Jimmy Corkhill's Photographical Review of The Grand National

So, after my blog about how to Keep It Scouse At The National went down such a treat, with over 7000 views, I thought I’d take the time to do a Photographical Review of all the disasters that failed to take my advice, and rocked up and made bad shows of themselves:

Here goes:

 

Exhibit a) Not too bad a start, decent outfits, decent figures .. then OH MY GOD what is the face on that third one? The one in the tan?  Looks like the Birkenhead Tranny’s twin brother:

Exhibit b) No clue what’s happening here.  Are they feather earrings or is it a feather boa or did something just crash land in her chips or what?

Exhibit c) Lad? What the actual fuck? Really lad?  Why?  Actual WHY?   

Never seen anything as queg in my life.

Exhibit d) So .. this bird has fallen head first through the Gypsy Wedding dress maker’s shop.. Then her 3 year old messed around with it a bit.. and then her fella placed the pearl necklace on there?  Bad state.

Exhibit e)   WHAT is this on the right???  Looks like she’s had off a Pimp .. robbed his coat and hat ??  Has she no mirror? Has her friend no tongue? Really?

Exhibit f) What an absolute belter this is.  Some lad has actually let his Ma out the house looking like that.  There are so many things wrong with it.. I can’t even begin.  She reminds me of an old Crown Street prozzy I affectionately nicknamed Candle Wax Face.

Exhibit g)  Told you this would happen didn’t I?  Shoes off, tears.. vomming.. Making a bad mess of yourselves.  Bet yer fella still isnt talking to you is he love?

Exhibit h) Dear Lord...  someone’s Ma here taken a turn for the worst.  Can you imagine??!  Our Jackie got herself in that bad a state one time and I never forgave her. Ended up noshing a bizzy the utter whore. 

Our Lindsay was fumin.

Exhibit i)  Tight shiny suit -  check ...  Sunnies – check ... Being an ABSOLUTE WHOPPER-  check...

Exhibit j)  These two have GOTTA be from Wigan?  Nice saggy nips there, bird in the pink top.

Exhibit k) Just put her down and put those thunder thighs away... Tree trunks.  Also check out the GORGEOUS steward in the background

Exhibit l) Now what did Uncle Jimmy say about Panto Dame crossed with Gypsy Wedding?

Exhibit m) I don’t even need to say anything for these two do I ?

 

Exhibit n) Here we go .. shoes off.. snarling down the  to your fella coz he has swerved you.   

Told you, didn’t I ?

Exhibit o) And last but not least .. this utter buffoon of a man always has to gegg in doesn’t he. Does that cardigan / coat thing actually have Buffalos on it? Really lad?

An important message ahead of The Grand National

As the Grand National approaches, in the interests of theCity of Liverpool’s reputation, I bring forth an important message:

To the ladies:  

First off.. when choosing your fake tan shade, PLEASE don’t go for “Yer Ma fucked the Tango Man and out you came”. Just go for a nice light brown. It is April and it is Liverpool.  We aren’t in Barbados. You aren’t expected to be Terracotta.  And make sure you get it done properly at a salon. No one wants to see tiger stripes on your legs, or glowing orange hands that make you look like you just wanked off the aforementioned Tango Man.

If you’re a size 16 etc.... don’t go wearing a size 12 dress. Wear a 16 etc and make it knee length. If you don’t, you will only end up getting papped looking a bad state and then you’re bloke will swerve you and it will be tears before bedtime, your mascara will be dribbling down to yer knees and then you’ll get papped again.  

And as a general rule.. make sure you don't wear anything thats basically a cross between a Panto Dame and a Gypsy Wedding.

Shoes: Don’t go moaning at 5pm when the plazzy straps have already turned to barbed wire and your feet look like they’ve been through a combine harvester. You made your bed when you bought them from Shoo Shoo in St Johns for £19.99.  You knew they would quite literally rape your feet. But you risked it. So stick with it. No taking them off and going barefoot like a bad tramp.  (If you’re lucky MerseyTravel will be giving out free flip flops again)

Swerve the diamante false lashes. Since when has having blag diamonds attached to your eyes been acceptable? You’ll just look like Mr Freezeout of Batman has shot his load on your face.

Oh and don’t be expecting Coleen to let on to you coz you got your dress from Cricket.  And just because you spent your life savings on said dress, don’t be snide at the bar just buying a coke and bringing in your own bottle of Malibu in your faux-leather clutch.

To the lads:

Don’t go too shiny on the suit front. Seen some bad grip last year, suits were so shiny that I nearly got blinded.  And the shoes were so pointy that people nearly died walking downstairs. Who wants to look like a bad queer of a game show host really? And real men can’t fit in fucking anything from TopMan. So turn it in. 

Don’t wear sunnies unless it’s actually really sunny.  Do you wear sunnies at the match? Do you fuck. So man up and let a bit of squinting do the work. (Doubt the sun will shine much anyway like.. prob gonna piss down)

Don’t go backing horses coz they are named after your bird /linked to the shop your bird works / linked to where you met your bird etc ...It’s wool that.    Backing one that’slinked to your Five-O team / Stag Do nicknames is acceptable. 

Swerve the ‘bromance’ if your horse comes in. Be scouse and be cool. No hugging your mates and getting emotional. Just nod and neck back your pint, chuck the plazzy glass at a wool and go collect your winnings.

To the BAD WHOPPERS:

To all those BAD WHOPPERS that haven’t got a ticket for The National, but will put their Dad’s suit on and bounce round town afterwards pretending they’ve been: DONT DO IT YOU UTTER UTTER BAD BELLS.

Go out in your normal clothes. Or even better, stay home and play on Call Of Duty. 

Seen loads of you last year bouncing round Conny Square with a load of boxfresh tenners reckoning you’d been AND YOU JUST HADN’T .. AT ALL.. HAD YOU ... ???

Swerve it you mings.

To all the top Scousers who won't do anything mentioned above:  

Take pics of anyone who fits in the above categories and tweet them to me @MrJimmyCorkhill .. Bonus points if anyone gets a pic of Steph The Birkenhead Tranny on Ladies Day.

HAVE FUN AND DO US PROUD x x 

Laters kids  x