Sunday, 13 May 2012


Alright twat features?

I’m seeing my arse here as you’ve made such a bad show of yourself today, that I have finally been tipped over the edge and I’m having to put pen to paper on you, on a Sunday night.  My Sunday Dinner hasn’t even settled yet, and I don’t think it will tonight due to the fact that you remain in the world. Quiff and all.

People have been asking me to do a letter to you for a while. Could never be arsed wasting my time on you, but, well, then TODAY happened.

As a person, you’re despicable.

You come from a family of pure shit. 

Your 'brother' and your ‘cousin’ murdered Anthony Walker, the young black lad, because he was black.  #RIP    

Your ‘cousins’ murdered an innocent Dad  #RIP  

And you:
  • May 2005 you broke a guy’s leg while driving your car through Liverpool city centre at 2 am.
  • March 2007 you got arrested for suspicion of assault on a taxi driver and criminal damage.
  • May 2008 you got 6 months  in prison for assault and affray outside McDonalds.
  • July 2008 you got a four months suspended sentence for assault and ABH on a Man City team mate, ending your Man City career.  You also got charged by the FA for violent conduct.

    You & 'your family' are the kind of people that give Liverpool a bad name.

As a footballer, you’re despicable.

I'm not going to back track at all your other attention seeking sendings off, like the headbutt v Norwich which got you a straight red and QPR then lost 1-2 at home.

Its today that’s pissed me off.  

Your team were fighting to avoid relegation, and you act the cunt and get a red card.
Then…. Your actions AFTER your red card? Just shouldn’t be seen on a football pitch. Your scum genetics took over and you kick out at Aguero who had nothing to do with your sending off.   Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a City fan. And I’d rather have them win the league than Utd, so in a way THANKS FOR THAT.

But now you’re mouthing off on twitter about “who gives a fuck” .. and how you did what you had to do. And who cares, you stayed up, that’s all that matters?   And that you are off to CELEBRATE??  Celebrate??? You should be sent home to sit on the fucking naughty step lad.

Your team survived by the skin of your yellow teeth today. A penalty at Stoke v Bolton is what saved you. And you are fucking lucky. Otherwise you and “your team” would be down, pretty much because of you. And no offence to any QPR fans reading, but I fucking wish you had gone down just to teach your smug rat tashed fucking face a lesson.

And then you start tweeting that a team mate told you to “take one of the city players with you”.  Bad disgrace that. You should be banned for life. No place for players like you.  The media are going to be all over that tweet, and all QPR players will get tarred with the cheating brush. Well done lad.  There’s no I in team is there? But there’s a fucking I in prick! 

And setting aside the fact that you did it. Now you’re grassing? You can’t live life grassing that someone else told you to do something?  Be your own man. 

Mind you, Rick Astley told you to get that hair cut you’ve got, didn’t he. 

Bottom line is, “Joseph”, underneath all your controversy and the BIG I AM act that you constantly hide behind, is the fact that you just aren’t that good.  ARE YOU? 

So you act up, stir controversy, mouth off, kick out, and play the big guns on twitter, to keep a name for yourself. Don’t you?

Lad,  you play for a team that just survived relegation by an ant’s penis, and you’ve got the same amount of England caps as that David Nugent .  ONE.      Fucking David Nugent.  Says it all.   Thing is though, Nugent was born in Huyton too. But, guess what, he isn’t a bad disgrace to Merseyside. Or humans in general, is he?

Assess your life, lad. Assess your life.   Because me and all the people that read and retweet this are telling you,  you are fucking bad at it.


Tuesday, 8 May 2012


I thought I’d take a little moment to address all the “haters and whoppers”.

Haters / whoppers are the people with less brain cells than a really early abortion,  that come on giving it some, reckoning that I actually care about their meaningless opinions.

I usually just ignore them, which gets them more and more irate and they keep tweeting me and tweeting me .. and I can almost see the steam coming out of their uneven ears on their profile pic.

I was inspired to write this as I got quite a lot of interaction from “those less mentally fortunate” this weekend. So I thought I’d do a bit of care in the community and jot down a few tongue in cheek words urging these people to assess their lives.

The high ratio of beauts giving it beans this weekend was probably because of the cup final, then the City game and the Utd game and that.  And me retweeting that vile pic that Frimpong tweeted seemed to bring some classic headcases out of the woodwork, despite me saying DO NOT LOOK UNLESS YOU WANT TO SEE IT.
There are various categories of people that give me shit:

The General Keyboard Warriors:  

The people that sit behind their keyboards in their off-white Y-Fronts, making out they are harder than a 12ft reinforced concrete statue of Martin Skrtel, except they never actually leave their bedroom. 

When you look at their followers, they usually have an amount less than can be counted on two hands. At least 3 of which will be them spam accounts that follow fucking anything.
When you look at their tweets, it’s usually a never ending sea of basic, boring ‘insulting’ tweets to a load of celebs, venting out all that sexually frustrated anger and the fact that their Clearasil just refuses to work:  EG:

 @GaryLineker   Big eared fucking fuck 
@LordSugar   Rich fucking fucker .. stupid beardy fucker.. fuck off
@JimmyCarr   Me and my mate reckon you aren’t even funny .. so .. fucking fuck off
@HollyWills    I would do so many things to your breasticles, you slagging slag

And then you see the classic:

@JustinBeiber   OMG I totes love you x x x x x like really x x x x just bought Never Never  <3 <3  PLEASE RT  x xx

And they are actually being serious.

The Location Morons:

The Location Morons are a variation on a Keyboard Warrior.. but these are my absolute favourites. They are so retarded-beyond-repair that they tweet me giving it beans, and then when I look, they’ve got location settings on and they’ve tweeted their pinpoint location of their shitty terraced house.  

Every now and then, if I can be remotely arsed, I tweet back their street name and watch them flap like that chicken on the pitch at Blackburn v Wigan last night when Yakubu was trying to catch it for a post match snack.   They go:    “It was me mate .. me mate ad meee fone jimmy lad.. love you jimmy lad it was meee mate.. ”

Haha .. REALLY LAD?   If you’re gonna tweet shit, and hilariously have your exact location on show, at least have the bollocks to stick by it. Do you really think I’m going to come round yer house and bum yer?  ... Am I fuck.   I’d send the firm wouldn’t I?

The Bitter Blues:

They come on, living up to their stereotype...  laughing their hairy tits off when Liverpool don’t win the FA Cup final, till I go; “Yeh lad, were you even born when Everton last won something? Anything?  No.. No.. you were not” .

Everton have NO SAY in anything as far as I’m concerned. We’ve beat them THREE times this season. Three times.  We knocked them out of the cup.   All they have to hang on to is the “Finishing above Liverpool trophy”.    Not even arsed.   We’ve had a shit season.  Our worst season in Premier League history.  So congrats and well done to Everton for managing to be 4 points ahead right now, despite the game in hand we have tonight . 

They’ve still not won anything for 18 years.   Nothing. Not a stitch.  Nilch. Nada. Zip. FUCK ALL.

I will honestly, honestly, (swear on the memory of Little Jimmy)  give them the time of day the next time they win ANYTHING that is silver.  HONEST.  In fact, if the whole team go down to the Bingo and if just ONE of them wins a FULL HOUSE... I will take it.  I will take that as a “trophy win”  and will listen to their pathetic jibes moving forward.  I promise.

Infact, if just ONE of their players finds 20p down the side of the couch, I will take that as SILVER and will listen to them.

Until then,  jog on, back under your rocks, OK.

(Love you all really, yer blue bastards  x x x x x x x )

The Mental Mancs:

Actually more annoying than the Blue shite.. as these lot HAVE actually won things.   They come on and their username usually has MUFC in there somewhere, like   DazzaMUFC19    or something equally wool...    Or they have the Utd badge as their profile pic and that rapes your eyes raaaar away.   And they come on after Scholes scores in the 90th minute going;   UTD 4EVA ...  KNOCKED OFF YOU’RE PERCH YOU SCOUSE RATS (sic) ..  YOUR SHIT  (sic) ..   GERRARD FUCKS HIS MUM ..    FOREVER IN OUR SHADOW  ... NINETEEN ..   I READ THE SUN AND IM PROUD ..   THE SUN IS GREAT  ..   STRETTY END FOR LIFE ...    

But when you look at their biog, they’re actually from Somerset.  And they play cricket.

What confuses me the most, is, why they come running to me?  When Liverpool score / win ...or Utd lose etc ...  the last person in the world that I would go running to would be like, someone off Coronation Street?    I really don’t get it.    Yeh I will tweet Rio Ferdy or something going WAAAYHHEEEEEY YOU SLUG LIPPED BELL.. but that’s because his is a Utd player?  And a slug lipped bell? I don’t go running to like, Emily fucking Bishop .. or Gail fucking Platt?   Who, for the record, has a face like the remains of a bonfire of toy dolls. 

Swerve it you Southern whoppers.

The Hillsborough / Murderer shouts:

A whole different packet of crisp here, these lot.  The ones that come on, with no profile pic or real name, giving the “96 WAS NOT ENOUGH” shouts.  Or  “SCOUSE MURDERING SCUM”.   Just to get a reaction.  Assess your lives you utter fuck-tards. Grow some pubes and walk in The Grafton and say that and see if you come out with any eyeballs left.     

The Out Of Work Soap Actor Shouts:

These are belters. They don’t agree with one of my comedic quips, and they come on going  “ FUCK OFF .. Yer washed up bum, yer aint famous any more... last time you been on the telly was pure time ago.. like the 80s and that.. yer NO MARK” 

Hahaha ... Really? Deary deary deary me. Have a long hard, stern word with yerselves and get a grip on reality.  Usually, one of you normal people is kind enough to put them out of their misery and tell them the truth. And then they shut up. 

(The truth of course being that I was on TV literally WEEKS ago on Come Dine With Me, the repeat, on Channel 4+1 .. and when Channel 4 are done with it, it will be on that Dave Channel for the rest of eternity. So there. )

Yer Ma:

Soz but who keeps letting their Ma on twitter?    I keep getting these arl women coming on saying I should “be ashamed” of myself for “saying swear words”  .. and other menopausal things like that.   

All their other tweets are to, like, Michael Buble and  Il Divo. 

One woman was OUTRAGED reckoning I’m a disgrace to the memory of brookside.  I’ll tell you what’s a disgrace to the memory of Brookside, love.   Hollyoaks.  That’s what.

Do me a favour everyone,  talk your Ma off Twitter.  


In summary, all of the above groups have worse banter than Piers Morgan crossed with Michael Owen.  I’m talking ZZZZZZfest banter that is so awful and cringe that even our Cracker winces, and he can’t even read. He’s a dog.  And he’s dead.

Don’t get me wrong – this blog is certainly not a CRY FOR HELP because I am being terrored.  Far from it. You cant terror a terrorer.   I enjoy seeing daily input from those less mentally able than me. In fact, its what gets me out of bed in the morning.  I think “Life could be worse, I could be that woman who had her face torn off by a chimp OR I could be one of them whoppers off twitter who chat shit all the time.”

But I’m not and my face is intact.   Thank fuck for that.

And, fans, I will ALWAYS give better than I get. Always.  If I can be arsed replying to you, you will be beaten.

Remember the time some lad tweeted me calling me some attempt at an insult... and I looked at his profile pic and saw him and his bird, and I just couldn’t help but notice that God had been a little over generous on the tooth front when his bird was queuing up ...  So I tweeted him saying  “Kinell lad, Red Rum just phoned, he wants his teeth back of yer bird”    and about 100 people RTd it and replied to him he was so so so so soooooo shamed that he changed his profile pic.   Yeh. That.

So, on that note, Love you all,


   If you are one of the people from the categories mentioned above,  please please please live up to it and leave a comment below for all to see

Friday, 4 May 2012


Dear bunch of Southern beauts off that Essex programme,

(For the avoidance of doubt, and to clear any ‘language barriers’ beaut is not a complimentary term.  A.K.A  being a beaut is ‘NOT REEM’.  *shudders*)

I write regarding my sheer, utter, relentless boredom of you being in the papers every five seconds, for quite literally, FUCK ALL.

In fact, I further this to question why you are in the papers AT ALL, never mind every five minutes.

Since when has one of you looking RATHER FAT in a bad bikini, then SLIGHTLY THINNER doing a god awful stupid pout , been viable  news?  I’m talking to YOU @LaurenGoodger

And haven’t YOU been sacked from the show anyway?  For being a boring fat slag?  Yeh thought so.

And then Mr Jelly Belly who prances around in a Tuxedo reckoning he can sing, making a bad tit of himself crying over that bird who keep swerving him all the time..   Yes YOU @RealJamesArgent

How is you having a £16,000 makeover made the news,  when you still look like an absolute blert who bathes in chip fat every night?  You got new teeth, a spray tan, a load of new clobber ... yeh great.. but how’s about you put down the double cheese burger for breakfast and swerve the ‘wet look gel’?

And don’t EVER , EVER get your moobs and jelly belly out in public  / on TV again. EVER.

And then there is the one that looks like a horse with tits ..she knobbed that old man who owns Sugar Hut  for his money, and then ditched him for a lower league footballer .. and then ... Yes I’m talking to YOU @MariaFowler

How is you rocking up in Liverpool at the Desperate Scousewives shop opening looking like you’ve fallen off the top of a Christmas Tree, and then “fighting” with Marcus Collins on Twitter,  viable news?

And how how how do you have the audacity to actually call him an “XFactor Reject” on Twitter?  He came second for fuck’s sake. He has singles in the charts.  He is CLEARLY very talented. Where as you? You are famous for WHAT ?  having tits and being a slag – thats what. You too have been SACKED from the show... so why are we still hearing about you? WHY?

And last but not least. The 12 year old boy.  Joey Friggin Essex. @JoeyEssex_ 

Lad – what are you?

You get in the news for wearing HEAD TO TOE Hollister  *shudders*  and ORANGE UGG BOOTS  *almost dies shuddering*  

You are the worst example of BAD VIRGIN I have ever seen.  Got about a zillion fan girls on twitter offering you Flange On A Plate and you just swerve it don’t you.   Like my mate @TinheadFTM said the other day.... Where’s the papparazzi  pics of you falling out of clubs at 4am?  You should be beaked up, with fanny-slither all the way up to your elbows....Why not get yourself in the news for that?   INSTEAD OF FOR DRIVING A WHITE SMART CAR !?  

And as for your profile pic on Twitter of you ‘looking REEM’ in your white speedos.... I’ve seen more meat left in a KFC bargain bucket after that Arg lad has had a go at it after half a day of trying to diet.   There’s a word up here for you, lad... = QUEG. 

In summary... I just can not comprehend why people like you are repeatedly the subject of tabloid news agenda.  Look at me and @SinbadBrookie, we can’t even get in The Liverpool Echo these days, despite decades of amazing soap acting and being LEGENDS across the Merseyside area.  Didnt even get an invite to the Soap Awards the other night!    Best exposure for me recently was the re-run of the episode of Come Dine With Me, where I rock up and serve chicken.  Really.  And it wasn’t even a celebrity episode.

So, I ask you to honour the views of me and the thousands that will read and retweet this, and stop getting yourselves in the news for FUCK ALL ... And please get yourself in the news for something NEWSWORTHY.. Say, a multiple car crash, or a suicide pact or perhaps a cast wide Anal Aids epidemic? I would quite happily read that kind of stuff.


Jimmy C