Tuesday, 8 May 2012


I thought I’d take a little moment to address all the “haters and whoppers”.

Haters / whoppers are the people with less brain cells than a really early abortion,  that come on giving it some, reckoning that I actually care about their meaningless opinions.

I usually just ignore them, which gets them more and more irate and they keep tweeting me and tweeting me .. and I can almost see the steam coming out of their uneven ears on their profile pic.

I was inspired to write this as I got quite a lot of interaction from “those less mentally fortunate” this weekend. So I thought I’d do a bit of care in the community and jot down a few tongue in cheek words urging these people to assess their lives.

The high ratio of beauts giving it beans this weekend was probably because of the cup final, then the City game and the Utd game and that.  And me retweeting that vile pic that Frimpong tweeted seemed to bring some classic headcases out of the woodwork, despite me saying DO NOT LOOK UNLESS YOU WANT TO SEE IT.
There are various categories of people that give me shit:

The General Keyboard Warriors:  

The people that sit behind their keyboards in their off-white Y-Fronts, making out they are harder than a 12ft reinforced concrete statue of Martin Skrtel, except they never actually leave their bedroom. 

When you look at their followers, they usually have an amount less than can be counted on two hands. At least 3 of which will be them spam accounts that follow fucking anything.
When you look at their tweets, it’s usually a never ending sea of basic, boring ‘insulting’ tweets to a load of celebs, venting out all that sexually frustrated anger and the fact that their Clearasil just refuses to work:  EG:

 @GaryLineker   Big eared fucking fuck 
@LordSugar   Rich fucking fucker .. stupid beardy fucker.. fuck off
@JimmyCarr   Me and my mate reckon you aren’t even funny .. so .. fucking fuck off
@HollyWills    I would do so many things to your breasticles, you slagging slag

And then you see the classic:

@JustinBeiber   OMG I totes love you x x x x x like really x x x x just bought Never Never  <3 <3  PLEASE RT  x xx

And they are actually being serious.

The Location Morons:

The Location Morons are a variation on a Keyboard Warrior.. but these are my absolute favourites. They are so retarded-beyond-repair that they tweet me giving it beans, and then when I look, they’ve got location settings on and they’ve tweeted their pinpoint location of their shitty terraced house.  

Every now and then, if I can be remotely arsed, I tweet back their street name and watch them flap like that chicken on the pitch at Blackburn v Wigan last night when Yakubu was trying to catch it for a post match snack.   They go:    “It was me mate .. me mate ad meee fone jimmy lad.. love you jimmy lad it was meee mate.. ”

Haha .. REALLY LAD?   If you’re gonna tweet shit, and hilariously have your exact location on show, at least have the bollocks to stick by it. Do you really think I’m going to come round yer house and bum yer?  ... Am I fuck.   I’d send the firm wouldn’t I?

The Bitter Blues:

They come on, living up to their stereotype...  laughing their hairy tits off when Liverpool don’t win the FA Cup final, till I go; “Yeh lad, were you even born when Everton last won something? Anything?  No.. No.. you were not” .

Everton have NO SAY in anything as far as I’m concerned. We’ve beat them THREE times this season. Three times.  We knocked them out of the cup.   All they have to hang on to is the “Finishing above Liverpool trophy”.    Not even arsed.   We’ve had a shit season.  Our worst season in Premier League history.  So congrats and well done to Everton for managing to be 4 points ahead right now, despite the game in hand we have tonight . 

They’ve still not won anything for 18 years.   Nothing. Not a stitch.  Nilch. Nada. Zip. FUCK ALL.

I will honestly, honestly, (swear on the memory of Little Jimmy)  give them the time of day the next time they win ANYTHING that is silver.  HONEST.  In fact, if the whole team go down to the Bingo and if just ONE of them wins a FULL HOUSE... I will take it.  I will take that as a “trophy win”  and will listen to their pathetic jibes moving forward.  I promise.

Infact, if just ONE of their players finds 20p down the side of the couch, I will take that as SILVER and will listen to them.

Until then,  jog on, back under your rocks, OK.

(Love you all really, yer blue bastards  x x x x x x x )

The Mental Mancs:

Actually more annoying than the Blue shite.. as these lot HAVE actually won things.   They come on and their username usually has MUFC in there somewhere, like   DazzaMUFC19    or something equally wool...    Or they have the Utd badge as their profile pic and that rapes your eyes raaaar away.   And they come on after Scholes scores in the 90th minute going;   UTD 4EVA ...  KNOCKED OFF YOU’RE PERCH YOU SCOUSE RATS (sic) ..  YOUR SHIT  (sic) ..   GERRARD FUCKS HIS MUM ..    FOREVER IN OUR SHADOW  ... NINETEEN ..   I READ THE SUN AND IM PROUD ..   THE SUN IS GREAT  ..   STRETTY END FOR LIFE ...    

But when you look at their biog, they’re actually from Somerset.  And they play cricket.

What confuses me the most, is, why they come running to me?  When Liverpool score / win ...or Utd lose etc ...  the last person in the world that I would go running to would be like, someone off Coronation Street?    I really don’t get it.    Yeh I will tweet Rio Ferdy or something going WAAAYHHEEEEEY YOU SLUG LIPPED BELL.. but that’s because his is a Utd player?  And a slug lipped bell? I don’t go running to like, Emily fucking Bishop .. or Gail fucking Platt?   Who, for the record, has a face like the remains of a bonfire of toy dolls. 

Swerve it you Southern whoppers.

The Hillsborough / Murderer shouts:

A whole different packet of crisp here, these lot.  The ones that come on, with no profile pic or real name, giving the “96 WAS NOT ENOUGH” shouts.  Or  “SCOUSE MURDERING SCUM”.   Just to get a reaction.  Assess your lives you utter fuck-tards. Grow some pubes and walk in The Grafton and say that and see if you come out with any eyeballs left.     

The Out Of Work Soap Actor Shouts:

These are belters. They don’t agree with one of my comedic quips, and they come on going  “ FUCK OFF .. Yer washed up bum, yer aint famous any more... last time you been on the telly was pure time ago.. like the 80s and that.. yer NO MARK” 

Hahaha ... Really? Deary deary deary me. Have a long hard, stern word with yerselves and get a grip on reality.  Usually, one of you normal people is kind enough to put them out of their misery and tell them the truth. And then they shut up. 

(The truth of course being that I was on TV literally WEEKS ago on Come Dine With Me, the repeat, on Channel 4+1 .. and when Channel 4 are done with it, it will be on that Dave Channel for the rest of eternity. So there. )

Yer Ma:

Soz but who keeps letting their Ma on twitter?    I keep getting these arl women coming on saying I should “be ashamed” of myself for “saying swear words”  .. and other menopausal things like that.   

All their other tweets are to, like, Michael Buble and  Il Divo. 

One woman was OUTRAGED reckoning I’m a disgrace to the memory of brookside.  I’ll tell you what’s a disgrace to the memory of Brookside, love.   Hollyoaks.  That’s what.

Do me a favour everyone,  talk your Ma off Twitter.  


In summary, all of the above groups have worse banter than Piers Morgan crossed with Michael Owen.  I’m talking ZZZZZZfest banter that is so awful and cringe that even our Cracker winces, and he can’t even read. He’s a dog.  And he’s dead.

Don’t get me wrong – this blog is certainly not a CRY FOR HELP because I am being terrored.  Far from it. You cant terror a terrorer.   I enjoy seeing daily input from those less mentally able than me. In fact, its what gets me out of bed in the morning.  I think “Life could be worse, I could be that woman who had her face torn off by a chimp OR I could be one of them whoppers off twitter who chat shit all the time.”

But I’m not and my face is intact.   Thank fuck for that.

And, fans, I will ALWAYS give better than I get. Always.  If I can be arsed replying to you, you will be beaten.

Remember the time some lad tweeted me calling me some attempt at an insult... and I looked at his profile pic and saw him and his bird, and I just couldn’t help but notice that God had been a little over generous on the tooth front when his bird was queuing up ...  So I tweeted him saying  “Kinell lad, Red Rum just phoned, he wants his teeth back of yer bird”    and about 100 people RTd it and replied to him he was so so so so soooooo shamed that he changed his profile pic.   Yeh. That.

So, on that note, Love you all,


   If you are one of the people from the categories mentioned above,  please please please live up to it and leave a comment below for all to see


  1. Sorry Jim, no piss-taking from me. It's Monday and although I've got a dentist appointment shortly (and no, I haven't got Red Rum's teeth), your post has cheered me up and made me look forward to the rest of the week!! I must admit, City winning the Prem in Fergie time has helped me enormously which is weird coming from a Liverpool fan!!

  2. EveryoneOnTwitter14 May 2012 at 15:03

    Your ability to write amusing satire is also fucking shit. Don't quit the day job, cunt! It's truly terrible!

  3. To be fair your appearance on Come Dine With Me was in support of one of THE most horrid nasty jumped up egotistical pricks I have ever seen on British television. Simon Cowell being THE most egotistical prick BTW both need to come out of the closet and stop being in denial.

  4. Well said! I just found your blog today (perhaps a little too late) and I'm going to be all over it.

  5. Jimmy you're a legend. Have you had a spray tan lately? Your blog's got me imbulk lad.