Wednesday, 25 April 2012


Dear John Terry,

I write regarding your little incident during the Barcelona vs Chelsea Champions League Semi Final 2nd Leg. The little incident you got a red card for.... And your subsequent comments.

First off,  the question everyone wants to hear the answer to:

WHY did you feel the need to knee Sanchez, from behind, off the ball, without provocation in such an important game?

a) Did he stamp on your toe? 
b) Did he say your mum likes Scouse cock? 
c) Did you want to slip off for an early bath so you could stick one in Guardiola’s wife whilst he was otherwise engaged?
d) Or was Sanchez quite genuinely just giving you the run around and you couldn’t handle it?

We’re all dying to know. 

And, imagine .. just imagine our confusion, having seen the replays multiple times on Sky ... for the pitch side reporter to come on saying that YOU said Sanchez “RAN INFRONT OF YOU” and “CUT IN TO YOUR PATH” and “THAT IT WAS AN ACCIDENT”.

Imagine our utter confusion, until after the game, where you face the post –match interview and say;

“I’ve seen the replay.. and it looks bad on camera, but I’m not that type of player”

Ah. You aren’t that type of player.  You aren’t that type of guy.   Of course.

Of course you aren’t...........

But ..........

Remember the time in September 2001, when you were fined two weeks wages by Chelsea for an incident involving players and American tourists at a Heathrow airport bar in the immediate aftermath of the September 11th attacks? 

Nah – you aren’t that type of guy.

Remember the time in January 2002 when you were charged with assault and affray after a confrontation with a nightclub bouncer?

Nah – you aren’t that type of guy.

Remember in 2009 when you were investigated by Chelsea and the FA for allegedly taking £10,000 from an undercover reporter for a private tour of your training ground?

Nah – you aren’t that type of guy.

Remember in January 2010 when the super-injunction about you back-ending Wayne Bridge’s missus was over turned, and all the papers reported your 4 month affair with her? And her and Bridge split? And you lost your England captaincy?  And Bridge swerved your handshake? 

Nah – you aren’t that type of guy.

And remember last November, when you were investigated following an allegation of racist abuse made at Anton Ferdinand? You ALLEDGEDLY called him a “black c*nt” ... And you got charged?  And stripped of your England captaincy, again? And you face a criminal trial this July?

Nah – you aren’t that type of guy.

John Terry -  Not that type of guy™

But  .. JT Lad...  Are you THIS type of guy?

(Full story about a Tranny from Warrington that is THE SPITS of John Terry can be found here: >>   ))

Monday, 16 April 2012

Jimmy Corkhill's Photographical Review of The Grand National

So, after my blog about how to Keep It Scouse At The National went down such a treat, with over 7000 views, I thought I’d take the time to do a Photographical Review of all the disasters that failed to take my advice, and rocked up and made bad shows of themselves:

Here goes:

Exhibit a) Not too bad a start, decent outfits, decent figures .. then OH MY GOD what is the face on that third one? The one in the tan?  Looks like the Birkenhead Tranny’s twin brother:

Exhibit b) No clue what’s happening here.  Are they feather earrings or is it a feather boa or did something just crash land in her chips or what?

Exhibit c) Lad? What the actual fuck? Really lad?  Why?  Actual WHY?   
Never seen anything as queg in my life.

Exhibit d) So .. this bird has fallen head first through the Gypsy Wedding dress maker’s shop.. Then her 3 year old messed around with it a bit.. and then her fella placed the pearl necklace on there?  Bad state.

Exhibit e)   WHAT is this on the right???  Looks like she’s had off a Pimp .. robbed his coat and hat ??  Has she no mirror? Has her friend no tongue? Really?

Exhibit f) What an absolute belter this is.  Some lad has actually let his Ma out the house looking like that.  There are so many things wrong with it.. I can’t even begin.  She reminds me of an old Crown Street prozzy I affectionately nicknamed Candle Wax Face.

Exhibit g)  Told you this would happen didn’t I?  Shoes off, tears.. vomming.. Making a bad mess of yourselves.  Bet yer fella still isnt talking to you is he love?

Exhibit h) Dear Lord...  someone’s Ma here taken a turn for the worst.  Can you imagine??!  Our Jackie got herself in that bad a state one time and I never forgave her. Ended up noshing a bizzy the utter whore. 
Our Lindsay was fumin.

Exhibit i)  Tight shiny suit -  check ...  Sunnies – check ... Being an ABSOLUTE WHOPPER-  check...

Exhibit j)  These two have GOTTA be from Wigan?  Nice saggy nips there, bird in the pink top.

Exhibit k) Just put her down and put those thunder thighs away... Tree trunks.  Also check out the GORGEOUS steward in the background

Exhibit l) Now what did Uncle Jimmy say about Panto Dame crossed with Gypsy Wedding?

Exhibit m) I don’t even need to say anything for these two do I ?


Exhibit n) Here we go .. shoes off.. snarling down the  to your fella coz he has swerved you.   
Told you, didn’t I ?

Exhibit o) And last but not least .. this utter buffoon of a man always has to gegg in doesn’t he. Does that cardigan / coat thing actually have Buffalos on it? Really lad?

Thursday, 12 April 2012

An important message ahead of The Grand National

As the Grand National approaches, in the interests of theCity of Liverpool’s reputation, I bring forth an important message:

To the ladies:  

First off.. when choosing your fake tan shade, PLEASE don’t go for “Yer Ma fucked the Tango Man and out you came”. Just go for a nice light brown. It is April and it is Liverpool.  We aren’t in Barbados. You aren’t expected to be Terracotta.  And make sure you get it done properly at a salon. No one wants to see tiger stripes on your legs, or glowing orange hands that make you look like you just wanked off the aforementioned Tango Man.

If you’re a size 16 etc.... don’t go wearing a size 12 dress. Wear a 16 etc and make it knee length. If you don’t, you will only end up getting papped looking a bad state and then you’re bloke will swerve you and it will be tears before bedtime, your mascara will be dribbling down to yer knees and then you’ll get papped again.  

And as a general rule.. make sure you don't wear anything thats basically a cross between a Panto Dame and a Gypsy Wedding.

Shoes: Don’t go moaning at 5pm when the plazzy straps have already turned to barbed wire and your feet look like they’ve been through a combine harvester. You made your bed when you bought them from Shoo Shoo in St Johns for £19.99.  You knew they would quite literally rape your feet. But you risked it. So stick with it. No taking them off and going barefoot like a bad tramp.  (If you’re lucky MerseyTravel will be giving out free flip flops again)

Swerve the diamante false lashes. Since when has having blag diamonds attached to your eyes been acceptable? You’ll just look like Mr Freezeout of Batman has shot his load on your face.

Oh and don’t be expecting Coleen to let on to you coz you got your dress from Cricket.  And just because you spent your life savings on said dress, don’t be snide at the bar just buying a coke and bringing in your own bottle of Malibu in your faux-leather clutch.

To the lads:

Don’t go too shiny on the suit front.
 Seen some bad grip last year, suits were so shiny that I nearly got blinded.  And the shoes were so pointy that people nearly died walking downstairs. Who wants to look like a bad queer of a game show host really? And real men can’t fit in fucking anything from TopMan. So turn it in. 

Don’t wear sunnies unless it’s actually really sunny.  Do you wear sunnies at the match? Do you fuck. So man up and let a bit of squinting do the work. (Doubt the sun will shine much anyway like.. prob gonna piss down)

Don’t go backing horses coz they are named after your bird /linked to the shop your bird works / linked to where you met your bird etc ...It’s wool that.    Backing one that’slinked to your Five-O team / Stag Do nicknames is acceptable. 

Swerve the ‘bromance’ if your horse comes in. Be scouse and be cool. No hugging your mates and getting emotional. Just nod and neck back your pint, chuck the plazzy glass at a wool and go collect your winnings.


To all those BAD WHOPPERS that haven’t got a ticket for The National, but will put their Dad’s suit on and bounce round town afterwards pretending they’ve been: DONT DO IT YOU UTTER UTTER BAD BELLS.

Go out in your normal clothes. Or even better, stay home and play on Call Of Duty. 

Seen loads of you last year bouncing round Conny Square with a load of boxfresh tenners reckoning you’d been AND YOU JUST HADN’T .. AT ALL.. HAD YOU ... ???

Swerve it you mings.

To all the top Scousers who won't do anything mentioned above:  

Take pics of anyone who fits in the above categories and tweet them to me @MrJimmyCorkhill .. Bonus points if anyone gets a pic of Steph The Birkenhead Tranny on Ladies Day.


Laters kids  x

Thursday, 5 April 2012

My thoughts on Samantha Brick

A load of people on Twitter have been asking me to blog about this Samantha Brick. So due to popular demand, here goes:

Let's kick off by saying how hilarious it is that she is named after the item she was hit in the face with at birth.  It’s highly likely that she’s actually called Samantha Brick-FryingPan-ParkedCar-UglyStick, but uses Brick for short.

I first saw her article on Tuesday morning when I was perusing the DailyMail website for celebrity gossip  / the latest photos of the One Direction boys.  I read about how she is faced with the lifelong turmoil of being cursed with such god damn pretty features and became puzzled. I’m sure many of you had the same initial reaction as me… “Have these lot mixed the pictures up here or what?”

I was certain that the pictures I was looking at were actually taken from a standard Daily Mail “My IVF at age 50 was a success“ type story or something … and that the aforementioned beautiful woman’s photos must have been accidentally misplaced. But no. The photos were indeed of Samatha Brick  and she truly believes that she is God’s Gift.
I was amazed. She genuinely believes that she is really beautiful. She’s average. A Plain Jane.
She genuinely believes that other women dislike her for her looks. Nothing at all to do with her being an arrogant, egotistical, crazed lunatic then?
I won't sit here and slate her and call her all the names under the sun, as that has been done.

However, I will offer a few "truths" 
behind some of her claims:

1) “Men pay for my taxi fares”   … Yes probably to get rid of you the morning after a bad  ten to two mistake. 
2) “Men stop me in the street and give me flowers” ….  Yes, anything to cover up that snarling grid of yours. You've got teeth like Wayne Rooney's brother.
3) “Ladies blank me as they think I will steal their husbands.” …  You probably did, didn’t you? Yer bad slag.
4)  “An airline pilot sent a stewardess to me with a bottle of champagne when I boarded a plane” .. Yes.. but it was empty and she did glass you with it. How many stitches did you need?
So when the whole of Twitter started to die laughing at her claims, and tweet that she was in fact nothing special, how does she react? Does she go “Oh dear, I must have really over inflated my own opinion of myself?” …   Nope. She says that we are proving her right. We all hate her for being beautiful.
Dear lord… When is she going to realise that she just isn’t?
Has anyone sent her a mirror?!  Are Specsavers PR Team on to her yet? Getting her in for an eye test?

And then today she releases some new photos on The Daily Mail, to convince us of her beauty.. except she’s got a kench like she’s been taking advantage of The Pound Bakery’s offers a little too often, washed down with a pint of full fat coke.  #Fail
And her clothes?  She looks like a bad Marks&Spencers advert really doesn't she. So very Mummsy and nothing at all sexy about her. At all. #DoubleFail
My favourite phrase of this whole saga entire was tweeted to me by one of my followers;  (Can't remember who, sorry)

“She’s got a face like a bucket of smashed crabs”.

How perfect is that phrase?

Oh and one final note: If her handlebar-moustached denim shirt wearing French husband doesn’t star in gay porn, then I will be damned.  He is a “bear” if ever I’ve seen one. And trust me I’ve seen one.  *deletes internet history*

Happy Easter everyone ..   JC  x x