A FEW THOUGHTS ON / FOR MAN UTD FANS

I fired out a few tweets last night about the ‘Van Persie to Man Utd’ deal.
I’m not a sports writer, no. I don’t claim to be.  I’m just a football fan who spends most of the time taking the piss out of everything that breathes, and every now and then I tweet a little tiny glimmer of sense.

I said that Arsenal should be glad about generating £24m for a 29 year old striker. Most gunners who replied, agreed.

But for some reason, my tweet prompted every on-edge-defensive / axe-to-grind Man Utd fan in the country (majority being in the SOUTH of the country might I add) to tweet me jibes about Andy Carroll costing us £35m.  Majority of which went along these lines:

“Andy Carroll was £35m you kopite wanker hahahaha you scouse scum hahaahha #19”

Is this directly linked to Arsenal being pleased about getting £24m for RVP?  No. 

Granted, Newcastle will have laughed till they threw up at getting £35m for Carroll.  Of course they did.   Even the stack of left over Carroll NUFC shirts in his Sports Direct warehouse wouldn’t stop Fat Mike Ashley from laughing his fat sausage cock off.  Similar to the way we laughed at Chelsea, once we had stopped mourning / being angry, at taking Torres off us for £50m, to then have him sat on the bench or carrying out epic misses for the rest of that season, and the majority of the next.

((N.B   Did we really “pay” £35m for Carroll?  We actually got rid of an underperforming Torres, brought Carroll in to replace the role of Mr Underperformer, and actually ended up £15m better off if you look at it that way... but that’s an argument for another time.))

So in response to all the “hahahah you scouse bin-dippers paid £35m for Carroll” tweets, most of which were littered with spelling errors and general nonsense, I tweeted this:

“Yes #LFC paid £35m 4 Carroll.. BUT Reina £6m v DeGea £23m Agger £5m v Rio F £30m Lucas £6.5m v Carrick £18m Suarez £22m v Berbatov £30m”

What I was trying to illustrate, off the top of my head, was that yes we “paid” over the odds for Carroll, but we’ve had some decent bargains in recent years too.  Some good value players.

The tweet got 1500 RTs (still counting) and I got a hilariously bizarre mismatch of replies. (Some Everton fans agreeing with me was a first, I have to say!)

Unfortunately, the majority of replies were again from our intellectually challenged Man Utd friends, and with some difficulty I was able to translate a few of them to fit in the below categories:

Type 1 - “Yeh but we’ve won more. LFC have won fuck all. Fuck all since the 80s.”

Yes, LFC have won fuck all. We are categorically NOT the most decorated club in English history.  Honest.  We don’t have 41 trophies to your 40.   We really have won fuck all. Yes it’s so true.  We have NOTHING in our trophy cabinet. 

Click here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_football_clubs_in_England_by_major_honours_won

Shall I stop living in the past??  OK... Let’s scrap all the 80s stuff. Lets even scrap our 5^th Champions league win in 2005. And FA Cup 2006. Even that’s too far back.  Let’s look JUST at last season shall we?  Andy Carroll’s first full season – De Gea’s first full season.  Is that modern enough for you? Because WE won the Carling Cup, and made the final of the FA Cup.  YOU won fuck all. Sweet fuck all.  Unless you want a trophy for getting dicked by City 6-1? Or a trophy for just “coming second in the league” ... That STILL won’t put you ahead, as we’d have a nice little trophy for coming second in 2008/09, too, wouldn’t we?

Type 2 - “Yeh that’s coz you scousers are skint and can’t afford fuck all except the bargain bin.”

Yes, yes. We are skint. Yes.  We are the ones that just floated ourselves on the NYC Stock Exchange. Yes that was us. Oh .. hang on a minute... that’s you.

And yes, only the bargain bin for us we are that skint, yes. We didn’t spend £35m for Andy Carroll, we actually swapped him for an old TV and some sexual favours. There was no money exchanged, because we are indeed skint.

Type 3 - “Yeh but Henderson and Downing are shit too.”

Yep, they aren’t amazing as of yet. But if we are playing that game, let’s throw in your purchase of Anderson at £20m. Anderson who is incredibly shit at everything except looking like that ‘Cleopatra Comin Atcha’ girl-band from the late 90s.   Shall we throw in Owen Hargreaves too at £17m?  Shall we bring up Bebe at £7.4m? Every team makes mistake buys – every team has disappointments. I was demonstrating the good value of some of our successful players -vs- yours, so why do you need to load the bloopers tape?

Type 4 -  “Yeh but we got Giggs and Scholes for £0m.”

Clap, clap, clap. Well done for that.  Ever heard of a couple of lads called Steven George Gerrard and James Lee Duncan Carragher?

Type 5 -  Miscellaneous illiterate shit and abuse.

Learn to spell.  Swerve being the big man. It's obvious you're only allowed on twitter whilst your Mrs watches Corrie.   #SevenThirtyTillEightTweeter

Oh and take the photo of you and your ugly kid off your profile picture – you’re an embarrassment to him/ her/ it. 

Laters, see you Sept 23rd.   #YNWA

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AN OPEN LETTER TO THE MAROON 5 BLOKE

Alright lad... you still stuck in that payphone or what?

Because every time I turn the radio on, there you are, warbling about being in a payphone trying to call home... la la la laaa laaa laaaaaa lalalala yooouu.  Or something.

Its getting a bit old now,  I’m a bit bored of it.  I was concerned of your plight upon the first time hearing said song, but now I have heard it about 872 times it has sprung a few questions in my mind about the legitimacy of your dilemma.

Who even uses payphones these days?

Are you bad scruff or what? You sold 8 million copies of “Moves Like Jagger”  .. You’d think you’d be able to afford a phone that has a contract, so you’d never run out of credit? Don’t tell me you’ve spent the entire proceeds already on vintage t-shirts and skinny jeans?  

OK so maybe you have a contract phone, but the battery is dead? (Probably from listening to your own songs all day on speaker)

So lend yer mate’s phone? You aren’t out on the piss ON YOUR OWN are you? You have got mates right?  And unless they are all bad scruffs who haven’t topped up their PayAsYouGo either?   If that is the unfortunate case, you need new mates. But for an immediate solution to your problem, just lend a bird’s phone?  Some bad slag will absolutely be trying to get a photo with you for her Instagram..  Just say “Here girl, lend us that phone a minute there”  and she will probably lend you her thong as well.

Just do whatever you can so you don’t need to use a Tramps Piss Stinking payphone?  Be resourceful lad.

How are you ‘trying to call home’ as such and what’s taking you so long?

Are you that rat-arsed that you can’t dial the number?  That pissed that you’re ringing the number of the place you used to live when you were 17?  That would be acceptable.

Or is yer bird swerving you and not answering because she’s sick of your skinny jeans that haven’t been washed since 2009?

Or is the line busy? Bet she’s on to her Ma chatting shit.   Unlucky lad.

But here’s an idea.  Call her mobile.   Who uses landlines in real life?

How have you ‘spent all your change’?

Everyone knows you don’t put yer 10p in until they answer.  Even bad divvies who can’t spell know this.


IN GENERAL:

In general, please get the fuck out of the payphone and fuck off. 

There’s some kids there who want to ring the fire brigade for a joke and you’re spoiling their fun.

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Rio Ferdinand's Dictionary

Well well well...  Rio Ferdinand hey?!

It’s usually his top lip hanging there like a badly packed kebab that annoys me..  But now he is deciding to change the meanings of phrases to try and worm out of trouble? 
One could say that Rio is a :

Shithouse (n)  Someone who ‘gives it big guns’ and then retracts and squirms when trouble comes knocking

I was highly amused by Rio’s antics over the weekend. He, by proxy, calls Ashley Cole a ‘Choc Ice’ which every single person on earth knows to be a derogatory term for ‘black on the outside, white on the inside’.

But in Rio’s Dictionary:

Choc Ice  (n)  “Someone who is fake. So there.”

Amusing, in that the could have called that little runt Cole something simple, like a “CUNT”, or, say a “QUEER FAG BASTARD WHO PUTS MOBILE PHONES ON VIBRATE UP HIS ARSE” and no one would have batted an eyelid.

But setting aside that small matter, Rio’s own definition of Choc Ice has inspired me to share a few other ‘classics’ that might be in Rio’s Dictionary:

RIO'S DICTIONARY - Volume one:

Moving House (v) :  Deliberately missing a drugs test after being off your face      *allegedly

Stay On Your Feet (phrase):    A catch phrase launched to pretend that an aging, injury prone footballer is actually at the height of his game and is tackling everything that moves, when really, his back legs have gone.

Murking  (v)  :  Acting a twat and trying to have your mates off with lame as fuck practical jokes, and telling them, “You Got Murked” on TV, but just looking a cunt yourself through the whole process.

What reasons? (question) :   Realising you are too shit, even for England, but instead of taking it on the chin when you don’t get picked, publically questioning the Owl-faced buffoon who manages England, via Twitter.  Cringe.

Ayia Napa Kappa Slappa (n):  the woman who features in the embarrassing porn vid with Rio, Lampard and Dyer circa 2000   *allegedly 

Lamp-roast (v):  To spit roast aforementioned Ayia Nappa Kappa Slappa with your England team mate Frank Lampard

Doing 105.9 (v): the acceptable speed to travel on most motorways, before finally getting banned

Self important twat (Adj):  Description of Rio Ferdinand

Soggy Ham Butty (n):  Description of Rio’s top lip

Slug lip (n):  Description of Rio’s top lip

Badly packed kebab (n):  Description of Rio’s top lip

....And I know its not in alphabetical order.. but his top lip and bottom lip arent in order so why would his dictionary be?

Tweet any submissions for Rio’s Dictionary to  @MrJimmyCorkhill    #RiosDictionary

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5 REASONS WHY I HATE WIMBLEDON

Been asked to pen my thoughts on Wimbledon.

A recent tweet of mine sums it up in less than 140 characters:

@MrJimmyCorkhill:    #ThingsIdRatherDoThanWatchWimbledon  be Joseph Fritzl’s daughter

But I shall now, of course, divulge as to why I’d rather be abducted and locked in a dingy cellar for a decade getting back-ended by crazy Austrian who happens to be my dad, than watch said tennis tournament.

Reason 1:  Andy Murray

What a miserable, miserable, miserable twat this lad is.  He’s got all the money in the world, he could have any hot slag he wants given his fame and fortune,  and yeh he’s pretty decent at hitting little yellow balls with a racquet too. So why why why does he look like he owned 50 pet cats that he loved and cherished, and they all just died on the same day of a freak strain of Feline Aids?  

Cheer. The. Fuck . Up.      Gizza smile lad.

Has anyone ever seen him smile?  Ever?  If he wins does he smile then? Or just he just grimace like he’s shitting out a spiced pineapple?

Reason 2 : Andy Murray’s Mum

Ah maybe this is why soft lad doesn’t smile. Imaging having Andy Murray’s mum as your Ma.  Bloody hell.   I can’t decide if she’s a lezza, or if she really needs a good seeing to. Or both.

And imagine your mum rocking up at everything and shouting you on like that ... Do you see Stevie G’s Ma in the dug out at Anfield going “Eeeeeyaaa Stevie Lad .. Go ‘ed there laddd... G’waaan son”

No. No you do not.

The only football player’s mum who gets involved in the footy scene is John Terry’s Ma.  Who, as the excellent rumour that we all like to consider fact goes, got shagged by Carragher’s cousin during Euro 08.   Belter that.   #JohnTerrysMaLovesScouseCock

Reason 3: Ball boys

Seen a belter tweet from @ScouseAmbassador yesterday saying that Wimbledon balls boys are all bad victims who got bullied at school and bummed by a choir master.  How true.  Possibly the most true tweet I’ve ever seen.

Absolute bad quegs the lot of them.

Its nailed on that they are all called Tarquin, Phillipe, Oscar, Rupert (Rupes to his chums) and William. I challenge anyone who reads this to find me a ball boy who is called Dave. Go on.  Find me a ball boy called DAVE and I will blog a photo of me with my bare arse out, cheeks spread, doing a Lauren Goodger style trout pout, finger on lips...  and I will put a tennis ball up my foreskin for good measure.

Seen how they are on best behaviour all the time, crouch perfectly, stand to attention like soldiers, dead quick with everything,  hand fresh towels out like sweets... and have all got the gayest run ever... Makes me cringe so hard my testicles invert.  Get on the ball boys at the match for some tips,  we’ve had some crackers in the Premiership over the years. Stroll round like they’re not arsed, they get the ball when they want. Do they give it back in a rush when Utd are attacking in the 90^th minute- do they fuck.  Is right lads.

Reason 4:  The crowd

Another bunch of Tarquins, Phillipes, Oscars, Rupert s and Williams, with some Hermiones, Jermimas, Elizabeths, Margarets and Trixibelles thrown in.   Sat there with their cucumber butties and strawberries and cream. Actual cream. Not that squirty stuff from The Asda. Actually runny cream. Posh fuckers.

And their Robinsons Lemon Fruit & Barley.... in a flask.  Fucking fuck off.

Sitting there Instagramming photos of themselves and tweeting hash tags like  #TotesWimbledonYaaah , before switching from iPhone to their Blackberries to just check up on their work emails.

And there is obviously too much sugar in all them strawberries and fruit & barley  and it goes to their heads and they actually start getting excited at what’s going on in front of them:

  “Ooooh” ... “Aaaahh” ....   “Ooooh”  .... “Aaaaaah”

Are they messing?  A bloke is hitting a yellow thing at another bloke.  That bloke is hitting it back. Oh.. it hit the ground. Oh no. ????

And then you get them ones who actually SCREECH..    “Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekkk”  all because the bloke who hit the ball at the other bloke ALMOST didn’t hit it back when he got it hit back at him, but then he hit it back. Like, at the last second and that.   Zzzzzzzzzz.

And this crowd sit there ALLLLL DAY.   I get a numb arse in The Kop, if I don’t stand up and bounce to Theeeeeeeeee Fieeeeeeeeelds of Anfieeeeeld Roooooooad every 15 mins.   Can you imagine sitting there ALLLLLLL FUCKING DAY?   In these denims?   Norrrrapnin.

Reason 5 : People who can afford to pay £45k for a ticket for the men’s final

Kind of carrying on from Reason 3.. these posh twats that pay a fortune to go and get a numb arse. Saw an article today that tickets are currently trading for up to £15,000 per ticket, up  £3,000 since yesterday afternoon, and the price is predicted to reach £45k on the day.

Are they messing? Who in their right mind would pay £15k- 45k to watch a tennis match. Its on BBC for fuck’s sake.

For that money, I’d expect a court to be built in my back garden, and the ENTIRE tournament to be played there.  I’d expect champagne on tap, caviar butties, and them jam and cream scones and shit.  I’d expect the balls to be made of a unique combination of a fairy’s tears and a unicorn’s pubes. And an oily wank off Cockovich, or whatever he's called, would be included.

But even then, I wouldn’t watch it.  I would be in my living room with the curtains shut.

----

All in all, it is quite simply, a terrible spectator sport.  It really is.

Its just so .. uninvolved. You can’t follow a team, you can’t go at the weekend with your mates or take yer lad..  (Unless you’re called Tarquin or Rupes etc and you lad is a queg)

And there is no drama in a game of tennis. None.  No sending offs .. No fights.. No swearing at the ref...

Worst thing that can happen is a bloke will break a string on his racquet, or accidentally twat the ref with the ball and him fall off that funny perch.  That would actually be a laugh that, I’d watch tennis if the aim of the game was twatting balls at the ref and knocking them their high chair  - I vote Maggie Thatcher as first ref.

Yes you get the odd surprise, like when a shit guy beats a good guy and that..  but that’s about it.  

I’d quite honestly get more enjoyment out of watching Joey Barton sitting on the loo reading a dictionary.

Wimbledon in a nutshell: Its a CuntFest.  And a BoreFest.  And Venus Williams has got a cock.

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AN OPEN LETTER TO KATIE PRICE

Greetings trout-lipped slaggamadaggama,

Which brand of pink velour tracksuit are you lounging around in today? Juicy Couture or Versace And have you got your glittery Uggs on or your diamante Converse?

My reason for writing is of course not to establish what god awful ensemble you are wearing, but to question a few things that have been bugging me.

1) What the utter fuck have you done to your lad’s hair?

Poor lad. Poor poor lad.

As if he’s not got enough on his plate?  He’s Dwight Yorke’s lad for fuck’s sake. That’s punishment alone.  Then he’s got that Peter Andre tool crying about him that he misses him and that ..

And lets face it – not the best looking lad in the world is he? Bless him. He was about 3 stone when he was born or something wasn’t he?  And you go giving him a hair do like that? To help him “blend in” ? To help him “be normal” ?  Has he not been sent home from school?

You’ve basically drawn all over his head with some chalk?  A load of white lines and then a frog.  A fucking frog. What lad wants a frog on his head?  I’d sooner see a Nike tick and an undercut.
And then... you’ve got the cheek to tweet that he “loves it” ???  How on earth can he love that monstrosity .. ???

Is he blind??  Oh...  Soz about that...     Bit sly doing that to a blind lad? Right?  I'd have to go to prison if I'd done that to a blind kid.



2) The things you tell the press

If I did a survey now about whether you are an attention seeking media whore or not, I’d like to think that the results would be unanimous.  You’ve had more desperate reality TV shows than The Osbornes, more publicity stunts than any other ‘celebs’ I can think of, and you rock up at the opening of cereal boxes and that don't you, forever launching a new perfume range / make up / awful book / own range of tampons in 'bucket fanny' size etc..

But girl, why do you have to tell the press this? :

Q: “What’s the rudest thing you’ve ever done in the name of love?”

Katie Price: “I fucked Alex Reid up the arse with a vodka bottle.”

(source: Now! magazine)

REALLY?  You have got three kids. Fuck’s sake. Do you really want your 3 kids knowing that?
Granted they’ll have seen your tits and flange in every lads’ mag going, and they’ll know you’re an absolute dirt valve.  BUT do you really want them knowing that much?

I can’t even express how fucked up I’d be if from a tender age I knew that my Ma goosed my Dad / some bloke up the arse with a bottle of Voddy.

And Alex Reid? Of all the people.. Chimp faced, sawdust brained, ubercunt Alex Reid. Was he dressed as his alleged alter ego Roxanne at the time?

To be fair, I’d sooner see Peter Andre with a bottle up his arse.  Preferably a broken one.
And you know what the aftermath would look like?

YOUR LAD’S FUCKING HEAD WITH THAT JOKE OF A HAIRCUT !



3) Your Range Rover

All the money in the world, and you’re driving round in this eye sore:

I wouldn’t step in that if you paid me.

If it was pissing down, freezing and I had no shoes on and I needed to get somewhere 100 miles away and I had no money – I wouldn’t step in that.   I’d walk.  I’d crawl.   I’d even get dragged by a sledge of Huskies attached to my foreskin, before stepping in that god awful contraption.

And your number plate??  Really?   KP11 HOT?  Fuckkkkking hell.

Here,  I’ll give you a heads up when I see B4D SL4G come up at the next DVLA auction.

...

Right that will do for now, as I can’t even be bothered spending anymore time on you.
But on a genuinely serious note – stop acting a twat, for the sake of your kids, you've earned your money so just settle down and be grateful for what you've got...  They deserve a more normal life – where they will never ever ever ever hear about what depraved sexual acts you perform on your boyfriend(s).. Ever.

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Joe ThunderCat / ThunderCunt Hart

So, the day before England played Italy,  I seen Joe Hart on the telly and I finally realised what he looks like.

It had been bugging me for ages...

There'd be nights where I lay awake, tossing and turning, and tossing... thinking of Joe Hart.

And then it came to me, whilst he did his Pre-Italy interview.

A Thunder Cat.

Joe Hart looks like a Thunder Cat.

For those who missed my tweet and comparison pic at the time, here it is again: 

So this was BEFORE the England v Italy game.. and what does he go and do in that game, during the shoot out?

Pulls weird Thunder Cat faces .. trying to put off / 'scare' the Italians!

Did it work lad? Did it put them off?  Did you win?

Nope.  Nice try lad.

Best  bit was... did it put Pirlo off?

Nope... Pirlo had an absolute worldy of a penalty didn't he.  In all of his 456483 years of being alive, he'd never taken a better penalty.

So what do you end up looking like Joe Lad?

A cunt.

A Thunder Cat, crossed with a cunt.

A Thunder Cunt.

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The Blog Break

Alright yoooz lot?

Missed my blogs haven’t you?

Going to start up blogging again soon due to popular demand.. Had a bit of a break haven’t I, like them queg students who take a Gap Year during Uni to go and find them selves  a.k.a  have gay liaisons with Thai Lady Boys.  Or them blokes with high powered banking jobs who have a nervy-bee / midlife crisis and have to take a ‘career sabbatical’ when the cleaner busts them photocopying their dangly balls whilst singing “I am the music man” or some shit.

Granted, my reason for the ‘blog sabbatical’ isn't quite like that...   Its coz Go*ogleAdverts banned me after the HUGELY successful Open Letter to Joey Barton.  (That he's still crying about and came in Garlands looking for me and we all know what happened there)

But because that blog post got over 5000 RTs and over HALF A MILLION VIEWS... It flagged up with the Go*ogleAdvert police.  I imagine they have a special unit, similar to The Matrix, who sit around eating donuts until some shots get fired then NEEE NOORRR NEEE NORRRR off they go in the yellow vans..  #FTM

So, got busted by TheGo*oglePolice didn’t I and they sent me a pyaaaar arsey email saying I’m banned ... They owe me £200 from the advert clicks that my superb blog of comedic finery had generated them.

Was back in May all that wasn’t it.  And I’m still sat here scratching me arse skint with no £200 off them.. And I don’t get any Panto money till Xmas do I... And Rick Vaughn still owes me the £20 appearance fee for when I rocked up and served chicken at his on Come Dine With Me.. 

I've been had off.

So...  had a brain wave didn’t I .. and I've been messing about with a PayPal. What we can do, loyal fans, is cut out the middle man.

Instead of having to click loads of adverts about some shit Tshirts that you don’t even want, or some “Sex Potion” that you know is gonna melt your cock off ... Lets cut out the middle man and you can just gizzza quid direct to go towards my denim fund!  

Simple.. If my blog makes you laugh .. If it brightens your day.. If you share it with your mates and get ManPoints for “TopBanter”  *cringe*   THEN SHOW YOUR APPRECIATION and give us a quid.. £2 .. a fiver..  a tenner...  towards my denim fund..  Depends how rich you are doesn’t it?

All you have to do is click my shiny new PayPal button, logo below or over in the menu bar on the right.

Put in the amount of ££ you wanna give me, and log in with PayPal. Or yer bird’s PayPal. Or yer Ma’s PayPal.

Include your @ name when you donate so I can thank you. And nominate a subject for what you want me to blog on next.

Lets see how it goes..  Someone give it a test for me.

They do say that Liverpool is the most charitable city in the whole country ... so get raaaar on it and get Jimmy some ££ for his new denims.

Nice one you top scousers x x 

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AN OPEN LETTER TO JOEY BARTON

Alright twat features?

I’m seeing my arse here as you’ve made such a bad show of yourself today, that I have finally been tipped over the edge and I’m having to put pen to paper on you, on a Sunday night.  My Sunday Dinner hasn’t even settled yet, and I don’t think it will tonight due to the fact that you remain in the world. Quiff and all.

People have been asking me to do a letter to you for a while. Could never be arsed wasting my time on you, but, well, then TODAY happened.

As a person, you’re despicable.

You come from a family of pure shit. 

Your 'brother' and your ‘cousin’ murdered Anthony Walker, the young black lad, because he was black.  #RIP    

Your ‘cousins’ murdered an innocent Dad  #RIP  

And you:

• May 2005 you broke a guy’s leg while driving your car through Liverpool city centre at 2 am.
• March 2007 you got arrested for suspicion of assault on a taxi driver and criminal damage.
• May 2008 you got 6 months  in prison for assault and affray outside McDonalds.
• July 2008 you got a four months suspended sentence for assault and ABH on a Man City team mate, ending your Man City career.  You also got charged by the FA for violent conduct.
  
  You & 'your family' are the kind of people that give Liverpool a bad name.

As a footballer, you’re despicable.

I'm not going to back track at all your other attention seeking sendings off, like the headbutt v Norwich which got you a straight red and QPR then lost 1-2 at home.

Its today that’s pissed me off.  

Your team were fighting to avoid relegation, and you act the cunt and get a red card.
Then…. Your actions AFTER your red card? Just shouldn’t be seen on a football pitch. Your scum genetics took over and you kick out at Aguero who had nothing to do with your sending off.   Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a City fan. And I’d rather have them win the league than Utd, so in a way THANKS FOR THAT.

But now you’re mouthing off on twitter about “who gives a fuck” .. and how you did what you had to do. And who cares, you stayed up, that’s all that matters?   And that you are off to CELEBRATE??  Celebrate??? You should be sent home to sit on the fucking naughty step lad.

Your team survived by the skin of your yellow teeth today. A penalty at Stoke v Bolton is what saved you. And you are fucking lucky. Otherwise you and “your team” would be down, pretty much because of you. And no offence to any QPR fans reading, but I fucking wish you had gone down just to teach your smug rat tashed fucking face a lesson.

And then you start tweeting that a team mate told you to “take one of the city players with you”.  Bad disgrace that. You should be banned for life. No place for players like you.  The media are going to be all over that tweet, and all QPR players will get tarred with the cheating brush. Well done lad.  There’s no I in team is there? But there’s a fucking I in prick! 

And setting aside the fact that you did it. Now you’re grassing? You can’t live life grassing that someone else told you to do something?  Be your own man. 

Mind you, Rick Astley told you to get that hair cut you’ve got, didn’t he. 

Bottom line is, “Joseph”, underneath all your controversy and the BIG I AM act that you constantly hide behind, is the fact that you just aren’t that good.  ARE YOU? 

So you act up, stir controversy, mouth off, kick out, and play the big guns on twitter, to keep a name for yourself. Don’t you?

Lad,  you play for a team that just survived relegation by an ant’s penis, and you’ve got the same amount of England caps as that David Nugent .  ONE.      Fucking David Nugent.  Says it all.   Thing is though, Nugent was born in Huyton too. But, guess what, he isn’t a bad disgrace to Merseyside. Or humans in general, is he?

Assess your life, lad. Assess your life.   Because me and all the people that read and retweet this are telling you,  you are fucking bad at it.

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AN OPEN LETTER TO THE HATERS AND WHOPPERS THAT TRY AND GIVE ME SHIT

I thought I’d take a little moment to address all the “haters and whoppers”.

Haters / whoppers are the people with less brain cells than a really early abortion,  that come on giving it some, reckoning that I actually care about their meaningless opinions.

I usually just ignore them, which gets them more and more irate and they keep tweeting me and tweeting me .. and I can almost see the steam coming out of their uneven ears on their profile pic.

I was inspired to write this as I got quite a lot of interaction from “those less mentally fortunate” this weekend. So I thought I’d do a bit of care in the community and jot down a few tongue in cheek words urging these people to assess their lives.

The high ratio of beauts giving it beans this weekend was probably because of the cup final, then the City game and the Utd game and that.  And me retweeting that vile pic that Frimpong tweeted seemed to bring some classic headcases out of the woodwork, despite me saying DO NOT LOOK UNLESS YOU WANT TO SEE IT.

There are various categories of people that give me shit:

The General Keyboard Warriors:  

The people that sit behind their keyboards in their off-white Y-Fronts, making out they are harder than a 12ft reinforced concrete statue of Martin Skrtel, except they never actually leave their bedroom. 

When you look at their followers, they usually have an amount less than can be counted on two hands. At least 3 of which will be them spam accounts that follow fucking anything.

When you look at their tweets, it’s usually a never ending sea of basic, boring ‘insulting’ tweets to a load of celebs, venting out all that sexually frustrated anger and the fact that their Clearasil just refuses to work:  EG:

 @GaryLineker   Big eared fucking fuck 
@LordSugar   Rich fucking fucker .. stupid beardy fucker.. fuck off
@JimmyCarr   Me and my mate reckon you aren’t even funny .. so .. fucking fuck off
@HollyWills    I would do so many things to your breasticles, you slagging slag

And then you see the classic:

@JustinBeiber   OMG I totes love you x x x x x like really x x x x just bought Never Never  <3 <3  PLEASE RT  x xx

And they are actually being serious.

The Location Morons:

The Location Morons are a variation on a Keyboard Warrior.. but these are my absolute favourites. They are so retarded-beyond-repair that they tweet me giving it beans, and then when I look, they’ve got location settings on and they’ve tweeted their pinpoint location of their shitty terraced house.  

Every now and then, if I can be remotely arsed, I tweet back their street name and watch them flap like that chicken on the pitch at Blackburn v Wigan last night when Yakubu was trying to catch it for a post match snack.   They go:    “It was me mate .. me mate ad meee fone jimmy lad.. love you jimmy lad it was meee mate.. ”

Haha .. REALLY LAD?   If you’re gonna tweet shit, and hilariously have your exact location on show, at least have the bollocks to stick by it. Do you really think I’m going to come round yer house and bum yer?  ... Am I fuck.   I’d send the firm wouldn’t I?

The Bitter Blues:

They come on, living up to their stereotype...  laughing their hairy tits off when Liverpool don’t win the FA Cup final, till I go; “Yeh lad, were you even born when Everton last won something? Anything?  No.. No.. you were not” .

Everton have NO SAY in anything as far as I’m concerned. We’ve beat them THREE times this season. Three times.  We knocked them out of the cup.   All they have to hang on to is the “Finishing above Liverpool trophy”.    Not even arsed.   We’ve had a shit season.  Our worst season in Premier League history.  So congrats and well done to Everton for managing to be 4 points ahead right now, despite the game in hand we have tonight . 

They’ve still not won anything for 18 years.   Nothing. Not a stitch.  Nilch. Nada. Zip. FUCK ALL.

I will honestly, honestly, (swear on the memory of Little Jimmy)  give them the time of day the next time they win ANYTHING that is silver.  HONEST.  In fact, if the whole team go down to the Bingo and if just ONE of them wins a FULL HOUSE... I will take it.  I will take that as a “trophy win”  and will listen to their pathetic jibes moving forward.  I promise.

Infact, if just ONE of their players finds 20p down the side of the couch, I will take that as SILVER and will listen to them.

Until then,  jog on, back under your rocks, OK.

(Love you all really, yer blue bastards  x x x x x x x )

The Mental Mancs:

Actually more annoying than the Blue shite.. as these lot HAVE actually won things.   They come on and their username usually has MUFC in there somewhere, like   DazzaMUFC19    or something equally wool...    Or they have the Utd badge as their profile pic and that rapes your eyes raaaar away.   And they come on after Scholes scores in the 90^th minute going;   UTD 4EVA ...  KNOCKED OFF YOU’RE PERCH YOU SCOUSE RATS (sic) ..  YOUR SHIT  (sic) ..   GERRARD FUCKS HIS MUM ..    FOREVER IN OUR SHADOW  ... NINETEEN ..   I READ THE SUN AND IM PROUD ..   THE SUN IS GREAT  ..   STRETTY END FOR LIFE ...    

But when you look at their biog, they’re actually from Somerset.  And they play cricket.
What confuses me the most, is, why they come running to me?  When Liverpool score / win ...or Utd lose etc ...  the last person in the world that I would go running to would be like, someone off Coronation Street?    I really don’t get it.    Yeh I will tweet Rio Ferdy or something going WAAAYHHEEEEEY YOU SLUG LIPPED BELL.. but that’s because his is a Utd player?  And a slug lipped bell? I don’t go running to like, Emily fucking Bishop .. or Gail fucking Platt?   Who, for the record, has a face like the remains of a bonfire of toy dolls. 

Swerve it you Southern whoppers.

The Hillsborough / Murderer shouts:

A whole different packet of crisp here, these lot.  The ones that come on, with no profile pic or real name, giving the “96 WAS NOT ENOUGH” shouts.  Or  “SCOUSE MURDERING SCUM”.   Just to get a reaction.  Assess your lives you utter fuck-tards. Grow some pubes and walk in The Grafton and say that and see if you come out with any eyeballs left.     

The Out Of Work Soap Actor Shouts:

These are belters. They don’t agree with one of my comedic quips, and they come on going  “ FUCK OFF .. Yer washed up bum, yer aint famous any more... last time you been on the telly was pure time ago.. like the 80s and that.. yer NO MARK” 

Hahaha ... Really? Deary deary deary me. Have a long hard, stern word with yerselves and get a grip on reality.  Usually, one of you normal people is kind enough to put them out of their misery and tell them the truth. And then they shut up. 

(The truth of course being that I was on TV literally WEEKS ago on Come Dine With Me, the repeat, on Channel 4+1 .. and when Channel 4 are done with it, it will be on that Dave Channel for the rest of eternity. So there. )

Yer Ma:

Soz but who keeps letting their Ma on twitter?    I keep getting these arl women coming on saying I should “be ashamed” of myself for “saying swear words”  .. and other menopausal things like that.   

All their other tweets are to, like, Michael Buble and  Il Divo. 

One woman was OUTRAGED reckoning I’m a disgrace to the memory of brookside.  I’ll tell you what’s a disgrace to the memory of Brookside, love.   Hollyoaks.  That’s what.

Do me a favour everyone,  talk your Ma off Twitter.  

IN SUMMARY:

In summary, all of the above groups have worse banter than Piers Morgan crossed with Michael Owen.  I’m talking ZZZZZZfest banter that is so awful and cringe that even our Cracker winces, and he can’t even read. He’s a dog.  And he’s dead.

Don’t get me wrong – this blog is certainly not a CRY FOR HELP because I am being terrored.  Far from it. You cant terror a terrorer.   I enjoy seeing daily input from those less mentally able than me. In fact, its what gets me out of bed in the morning.  I think “Life could be worse, I could be that woman who had her face torn off by a chimp OR I could be one of them whoppers off twitter who chat shit all the time.”

But I’m not and my face is intact.   Thank fuck for that.

And, fans, I will ALWAYS give better than I get. Always.  If I can be arsed replying to you, you will be beaten.

Remember the time some lad tweeted me calling me some attempt at an insult... and I looked at his profile pic and saw him and his bird, and I just couldn’t help but notice that God had been a little over generous on the tooth front when his bird was queuing up ...  So I tweeted him saying  “Kinell lad, Red Rum just phoned, he wants his teeth back of yer bird”    and about 100 people RTd it and replied to him he was so so so so soooooo shamed that he changed his profile pic.   Yeh. That.

So, on that note, Love you all,

JC



p.s    If you are one of the people from the categories mentioned above,  please please please live up to it and leave a comment below for all to see

AN OPEN LETTER TO THE TOWIE CAST

Dear bunch of Southern beauts off that Essex programme,

(For the avoidance of doubt, and to clear any ‘language barriers’ beaut is not a complimentary term.  A.K.A  being a beaut is ‘NOT REEM’.  *shudders*)

I write regarding my sheer, utter, relentless boredom of you being in the papers every five seconds, for quite literally, FUCK ALL.

In fact, I further this to question why you are in the papers AT ALL, never mind every five minutes.

Since when has one of you looking RATHER FAT in a bad bikini, then SLIGHTLY THINNER doing a god awful stupid pout , been viable  news?  I’m talking to YOU @LaurenGoodger

 

And haven’t YOU been sacked from the show anyway?  For being a boring fat slag?  Yeh thought so.

And then Mr Jelly Belly who prances around in a Tuxedo reckoning he can sing, making a bad tit of himself crying over that bird who keep swerving him all the time..   Yes YOU @RealJamesArgent

How is you having a £16,000 makeover made the news,  when you still look like an absolute blert who bathes in chip fat every night?  You got new teeth, a spray tan, a load of new clobber ... yeh great.. but how’s about you put down the double cheese burger for breakfast and swerve the ‘wet look gel’?

And don’t EVER , EVER get your moobs and jelly belly out in public  / on TV again. EVER.

And then there is the one that looks like a horse with tits ..she knobbed that old man who owns Sugar Hut  for his money, and then ditched him for a lower league footballer .. and then ... Yes I’m talking to YOU @MariaFowler

How is you rocking up in Liverpool at the Desperate Scousewives shop opening looking like you’ve fallen off the top of a Christmas Tree, and then “fighting” with Marcus Collins on Twitter,  viable news?

And how how how do you have the audacity to actually call him an “XFactor Reject” on Twitter?  He came second for fuck’s sake. He has singles in the charts.  He is CLEARLY very talented. Where as you? You are famous for WHAT ?  having tits and being a slag – thats what. You too have been SACKED from the show... so why are we still hearing about you? WHY?

And last but not least. The 12 year old boy.  Joey Friggin Essex. @JoeyEssex_ 

Lad – what are you?

You get in the news for wearing HEAD TO TOE Hollister  *shudders*  and ORANGE UGG BOOTS  *almost dies shuddering*  

You are the worst example of BAD VIRGIN I have ever seen.  Got about a zillion fan girls on twitter offering you Flange On A Plate and you just swerve it don’t you.   Like my mate @TinheadFTM said the other day.... Where’s the papparazzi  pics of you falling out of clubs at 4am?  You should be beaked up, with fanny-slither all the way up to your elbows....Why not get yourself in the news for that?   INSTEAD OF FOR DRIVING A WHITE SMART CAR !?  

And as for your profile pic on Twitter of you ‘looking REEM’ in your white speedos.... I’ve seen more meat left in a KFC bargain bucket after that Arg lad has had a go at it after half a day of trying to diet.   There’s a word up here for you, lad... = QUEG. 

In summary... I just can not comprehend why people like you are repeatedly the subject of tabloid news agenda.  Look at me and @SinbadBrookie, we can’t even get in The Liverpool Echo these days, despite decades of amazing soap acting and being LEGENDS across the Merseyside area.  Didnt even get an invite to the Soap Awards the other night!    Best exposure for me recently was the re-run of the episode of Come Dine With Me, where I rock up and serve chicken.  Really.  And it wasn’t even a celebrity episode.

So, I ask you to honour the views of me and the thousands that will read and retweet this, and stop getting yourselves in the news for FUCK ALL ... And please get yourself in the news for something NEWSWORTHY.. Say, a multiple car crash, or a suicide pact or perhaps a cast wide Anal Aids epidemic? I would quite happily read that kind of stuff.

Laters,

Jimmy C