Thursday, 16 August 2012


I fired out a few tweets last night about the ‘Van Persie to Man Utd’ deal.
I’m not a sports writer, no. I don’t claim to be.  I’m just a football fan who spends most of the time taking the piss out of everything that breathes, and every now and then I tweet a little tiny glimmer of sense.

I said that Arsenal should be glad about generating £24m for a 29 year old striker. Most gunners who replied, agreed.

But for some reason, my tweet prompted every on-edge-defensive / axe-to-grind Man Utd fan in the country (majority being in the SOUTH of the country might I add) to tweet me jibes about Andy Carroll costing us £35m.  Majority of which went along these lines:

“Andy Carroll was £35m you kopite wanker hahahaha you scouse scum hahaahha #19”

Is this directly linked to Arsenal being pleased about getting £24m for RVP?  No. 

Granted, Newcastle will have laughed till they threw up at getting £35m for Carroll.  Of course they did.   Even the stack of left over Carroll NUFC shirts in his Sports Direct warehouse wouldn’t stop Fat Mike Ashley from laughing his fat sausage cock off.  Similar to the way we laughed at Chelsea, once we had stopped mourning / being angry, at taking Torres off us for £50m, to then have him sat on the bench or carrying out epic misses for the rest of that season, and the majority of the next.

((N.B   Did we really “pay” £35m for Carroll?  We actually got rid of an underperforming Torres, brought Carroll in to replace the role of Mr Underperformer, and actually ended up £15m better off if you look at it that way... but that’s an argument for another time.))

So in response to all the “hahahah you scouse bin-dippers paid £35m for Carroll” tweets, most of which were littered with spelling errors and general nonsense, I tweeted this:

“Yes #LFC paid £35m 4 Carroll.. BUT Reina £6m v DeGea £23m Agger £5m v Rio F £30m Lucas £6.5m v Carrick £18m Suarez £22m v Berbatov £30m”

What I was trying to illustrate, off the top of my head, was that yes we “paid” over the odds for Carroll, but we’ve had some decent bargains in recent years too.  Some good value players.

The tweet got 1500 RTs (still counting) and I got a hilariously bizarre mismatch of replies. (Some Everton fans agreeing with me was a first, I have to say!)

Unfortunately, the majority of replies were again from our intellectually challenged Man Utd friends, and with some difficulty I was able to translate a few of them to fit in the below categories:

Type 1 - “Yeh but we’ve won more. LFC have won fuck all. Fuck all since the 80s.”

Yes, LFC have won fuck all. We are categorically NOT the most decorated club in English history.  Honest.  We don’t have 41 trophies to your 40.   We really have won fuck all. Yes it’s so true.  We have NOTHING in our trophy cabinet. 

Shall I stop living in the past??  OK... Let’s scrap all the 80s stuff. Lets even scrap our 5th Champions league win in 2005. And FA Cup 2006. Even that’s too far back.  Let’s look JUST at last season shall we?  Andy Carroll’s first full season – De Gea’s first full season.  Is that modern enough for you? Because WE won the Carling Cup, and made the final of the FA Cup.  YOU won fuck all. Sweet fuck all.  Unless you want a trophy for getting dicked by City 6-1? Or a trophy for just “coming second in the league” ... That STILL won’t put you ahead, as we’d have a nice little trophy for coming second in 2008/09, too, wouldn’t we?

Type 2 - “Yeh that’s coz you scousers are skint and can’t afford fuck all except the bargain bin.”

Yes, yes. We are skint. Yes.  We are the ones that just floated ourselves on the NYC Stock Exchange. Yes that was us. Oh .. hang on a minute... that’s you.

And yes, only the bargain bin for us we are that skint, yes. We didn’t spend £35m for Andy Carroll, we actually swapped him for an old TV and some sexual favours. There was no money exchanged, because we are indeed skint.

Type 3 - “Yeh but Henderson and Downing are shit too.”

Yep, they aren’t amazing as of yet. But if we are playing that game, let’s throw in your purchase of Anderson at £20m. Anderson who is incredibly shit at everything except looking like that ‘Cleopatra Comin Atcha’ girl-band from the late 90s.   Shall we throw in Owen Hargreaves too at £17m?  Shall we bring up Bebe at £7.4m? Every team makes mistake buys – every team has disappointments. I was demonstrating the good value of some of our successful players -vs- yours, so why do you need to load the bloopers tape?

Type 4 -  “Yeh but we got Giggs and Scholes for £0m.”

Clap, clap, clap. Well done for that.  Ever heard of a couple of lads called Steven George Gerrard and James Lee Duncan Carragher?

Type 5 -  Miscellaneous illiterate shit and abuse.

Learn to spell.  Swerve being the big man. It's obvious you're only allowed on twitter whilst your Mrs watches Corrie.   #SevenThirtyTillEightTweeter

Oh and take the photo of you and your ugly kid off your profile picture – you’re an embarrassment to him/ her/ it. 

Laters, see you Sept 23rd.   #YNWA

William Hill Sports

Friday, 10 August 2012


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(BEST DOING IT ON A LAPTOP OR PC .. Dont think it works on mobiles )


Alright lad... you still stuck in that payphone or what?

Because every time I turn the radio on, there you are, warbling about being in a payphone trying to call home... la la la laaa laaa laaaaaa lalalala yooouu.  Or something.

Its getting a bit old now,  I’m a bit bored of it.  I was concerned of your plight upon the first time hearing said song, but now I have heard it about 872 times it has sprung a few questions in my mind about the legitimacy of your dilemma.

Who even uses payphones these days?

Are you bad scruff or what? You sold 8 million copies of “Moves Like Jagger”  .. You’d think you’d be able to afford a phone that has a contract, so you’d never run out of credit? Don’t tell me you’ve spent the entire proceeds already on vintage t-shirts and skinny jeans?  

OK so maybe you have a contract phone, but the battery is dead? (Probably from listening to your own songs all day on speaker)

So lend yer mate’s phone? You aren’t out on the piss ON YOUR OWN are you? You have got mates right?  And unless they are all bad scruffs who haven’t topped up their PayAsYouGo either?   If that is the unfortunate case, you need new mates. But for an immediate solution to your problem, just lend a bird’s phone?  Some bad slag will absolutely be trying to get a photo with you for her Instagram..  Just say “Here girl, lend us that phone a minute there”  and she will probably lend you her thong as well.

Just do whatever you can so you don’t need to use a Tramps Piss Stinking payphone?  Be resourceful lad.

How are you ‘trying to call home’ as such and what’s taking you so long?

Are you that rat-arsed that you can’t dial the number?  That pissed that you’re ringing the number of the place you used to live when you were 17?  That would be acceptable.

Or is yer bird swerving you and not answering because she’s sick of your skinny jeans that haven’t been washed since 2009?

Or is the line busy? Bet she’s on to her Ma chatting shit.   Unlucky lad.

But here’s an idea.  Call her mobile.   Who uses landlines in real life?

How have you ‘spent all your change’?

Everyone knows you don’t put yer 10p in until they answer.  Even bad divvies who can’t spell know this.


In general, please get the fuck out of the payphone and fuck off. 

There’s some kids there who want to ring the fire brigade for a joke and you’re spoiling their fun.