I’m not a sports writer, no. I don’t claim to be. I’m just a football fan who spends most of the time taking the piss out of everything that breathes, and every now and then I tweet a little tiny glimmer of sense.
I said that Arsenal should be glad about generating £24m
for a 29 year old striker. Most gunners who replied, agreed.
But for some reason, my tweet prompted every
on-edge-defensive / axe-to-grind Man Utd fan in the country (majority being in the
SOUTH of the country might I add) to tweet me jibes about Andy Carroll costing
us £35m. Majority of which went along
these lines:
“Andy
Carroll was £35m you kopite wanker hahahaha you scouse scum hahaahha #19”
Is this directly linked to Arsenal being pleased about
getting £24m for RVP? No.
Granted, Newcastle will have laughed till they threw up
at getting £35m for Carroll. Of course
they did. Even the stack of left over Carroll
NUFC shirts in his Sports Direct warehouse wouldn’t stop Fat Mike Ashley from
laughing his fat sausage cock off. Similar
to the way we laughed at Chelsea, once we had stopped mourning / being angry, at
taking Torres off us for £50m, to then have him sat on the bench or carrying
out epic misses for the rest of that season, and the majority of the next.
((N.B
Did we really “pay” £35m for Carroll?
We actually got rid of an underperforming Torres, brought Carroll in to
replace the role of Mr Underperformer, and actually ended up £15m better off if
you look at it that way... but that’s an argument for another time.))
So in response to all the “hahahah you scouse bin-dippers
paid £35m for Carroll” tweets, most of which were littered with spelling errors
and general nonsense, I tweeted this:
“Yes
#LFC paid £35m 4 Carroll.. BUT Reina £6m v DeGea £23m Agger £5m v Rio F £30m
Lucas £6.5m v Carrick £18m Suarez £22m v Berbatov £30m”
What I was trying to illustrate, off the top of my head, was
that yes we “paid” over the odds for Carroll, but we’ve had some decent
bargains in recent years too. Some good
value players.
The tweet got 1500 RTs (still counting) and I got a
hilariously bizarre mismatch of replies. (Some Everton fans agreeing with me
was a first, I have to say!)
Unfortunately, the majority of replies were again from our
intellectually challenged Man Utd friends, and with some difficulty I was able
to translate a few of them to fit in the below categories:
Type 1 - “Yeh but we’ve won more. LFC have won fuck all. Fuck all since the 80s.”
Yes, LFC have won fuck all. We are categorically NOT the
most decorated club in English history. Honest.
We don’t have 41 trophies to your 40.
We really have won fuck all. Yes it’s so true. We have NOTHING in our trophy cabinet.
Shall I stop living in the past?? OK... Let’s scrap all the 80s stuff. Lets even
scrap our 5th Champions league win in 2005. And FA Cup 2006. Even that’s
too far back. Let’s look JUST at last
season shall we? Andy Carroll’s first
full season – De Gea’s first full season.
Is that modern enough for you? Because WE won the Carling Cup, and made
the final of the FA Cup. YOU won fuck
all. Sweet fuck all. Unless you want a
trophy for getting dicked by City 6-1? Or a trophy for just “coming second in
the league” ... That STILL won’t put you ahead, as we’d have a nice little
trophy for coming second in 2008/09, too, wouldn’t we?
Type
2 - “Yeh that’s coz you scousers are skint and can’t afford fuck all except the
bargain bin.”
Yes, yes. We are skint. Yes. We are the ones that just floated ourselves
on the NYC Stock Exchange. Yes that was us. Oh .. hang on a minute... that’s
you.
And yes, only the bargain bin for us we are that skint,
yes. We didn’t spend £35m for Andy Carroll, we actually swapped him for an old
TV and some sexual favours. There was no money exchanged, because we are indeed
skint.
Type
3 - “Yeh but Henderson and Downing are shit too.”
Yep, they aren’t amazing as of yet. But if we are playing that game, let’s throw in your purchase of Anderson at £20m. Anderson who is incredibly shit at everything except looking like that ‘Cleopatra Comin Atcha’ girl-band from the late 90s. Shall we throw in Owen Hargreaves too at £17m? Shall we bring up Bebe at £7.4m? Every team makes mistake buys – every team has disappointments. I was demonstrating the good value of some of our successful players -vs- yours, so why do you need to load the bloopers tape?
Yep, they aren’t amazing as of yet. But if we are playing that game, let’s throw in your purchase of Anderson at £20m. Anderson who is incredibly shit at everything except looking like that ‘Cleopatra Comin Atcha’ girl-band from the late 90s. Shall we throw in Owen Hargreaves too at £17m? Shall we bring up Bebe at £7.4m? Every team makes mistake buys – every team has disappointments. I was demonstrating the good value of some of our successful players -vs- yours, so why do you need to load the bloopers tape?
Type 4 - “Yeh but we got Giggs and
Scholes for £0m.”
Clap, clap, clap. Well done for that. Ever heard of a couple of lads called Steven George
Gerrard and James Lee Duncan Carragher?
Type 5 - Miscellaneous illiterate shit and abuse.
Learn to spell. Swerve being the big man. It's obvious you're only allowed on twitter whilst your Mrs watches Corrie. #SevenThirtyTillEightTweeter
Oh and take the photo of you and your ugly kid off your profile picture – you’re an embarrassment to him/ her/ it.
Oh and take the photo of you and your ugly kid off your profile picture – you’re an embarrassment to him/ her/ it.
Laters, see you Sept 23rd. #YNWA
