Thursday, 5 April 2012

My thoughts on Samantha Brick

A load of people on Twitter have been asking me to blog about this Samantha Brick. So due to popular demand, here goes:

Let's kick off by saying how hilarious it is that she is named after the item she was hit in the face with at birth.  It’s highly likely that she’s actually called Samantha Brick-FryingPan-ParkedCar-UglyStick, but uses Brick for short.

I first saw her article on Tuesday morning when I was perusing the DailyMail website for celebrity gossip  / the latest photos of the One Direction boys.  I read about how she is faced with the lifelong turmoil of being cursed with such god damn pretty features and became puzzled. I’m sure many of you had the same initial reaction as me… “Have these lot mixed the pictures up here or what?”

I was certain that the pictures I was looking at were actually taken from a standard Daily Mail “My IVF at age 50 was a success“ type story or something … and that the aforementioned beautiful woman’s photos must have been accidentally misplaced. But no. The photos were indeed of Samatha Brick  and she truly believes that she is God’s Gift.
I was amazed. She genuinely believes that she is really beautiful. She’s average. A Plain Jane.
She genuinely believes that other women dislike her for her looks. Nothing at all to do with her being an arrogant, egotistical, crazed lunatic then?
I won't sit here and slate her and call her all the names under the sun, as that has been done.

However, I will offer a few "truths" 
behind some of her claims:

1) “Men pay for my taxi fares”   … Yes probably to get rid of you the morning after a bad  ten to two mistake. 
2) “Men stop me in the street and give me flowers” ….  Yes, anything to cover up that snarling grid of yours. You've got teeth like Wayne Rooney's brother.
3) “Ladies blank me as they think I will steal their husbands.” …  You probably did, didn’t you? Yer bad slag.
4)  “An airline pilot sent a stewardess to me with a bottle of champagne when I boarded a plane” .. Yes.. but it was empty and she did glass you with it. How many stitches did you need?
So when the whole of Twitter started to die laughing at her claims, and tweet that she was in fact nothing special, how does she react? Does she go “Oh dear, I must have really over inflated my own opinion of myself?” …   Nope. She says that we are proving her right. We all hate her for being beautiful.
Dear lord… When is she going to realise that she just isn’t?
Has anyone sent her a mirror?!  Are Specsavers PR Team on to her yet? Getting her in for an eye test?

And then today she releases some new photos on The Daily Mail, to convince us of her beauty.. except she’s got a kench like she’s been taking advantage of The Pound Bakery’s offers a little too often, washed down with a pint of full fat coke.  #Fail
And her clothes?  She looks like a bad Marks&Spencers advert really doesn't she. So very Mummsy and nothing at all sexy about her. At all. #DoubleFail
My favourite phrase of this whole saga entire was tweeted to me by one of my followers;  (Can't remember who, sorry)

“She’s got a face like a bucket of smashed crabs”.

How perfect is that phrase?

Oh and one final note: If her handlebar-moustached denim shirt wearing French husband doesn’t star in gay porn, then I will be damned.  He is a “bear” if ever I’ve seen one. And trust me I’ve seen one.  *deletes internet history*

Happy Easter everyone ..   JC  x x


  1. It's not a "kench", it's a gunt.

    Gunt n. The state of a woman's lower abdomen when weight or child-bearing or excessive pies and beer bring together both "gut" and "cunt". See also: Gunting.

    1. Haha .. is right lad... Bad gunt on her


  2. I've just seen a bloke with a full Darth Vader helmet on in town (Blackpool). We wondered WTF - but like Samantha Prick, he's probably forced into wearing it because he's just so damned beautiful for us all to cope with? But having said that, I'm probably just jealous!!

    1. Soz about you living in Blackpool

    2. I know, but someone has to!! 8(

  3. Face like a welder's bench.

  4. LOL Excellent Mr C... bloody good read.

  5. Like someone left a plastic Gillian McKeith too close to the fire.

  6. You lot should be ashamed of yourselves, badmouthing a 63 year old, heavily pregnant lady!