An important message ahead of The Grand National

As the Grand National approaches, in the interests of theCity of Liverpool’s reputation, I bring forth an important message:

To the ladies:  

First off.. when choosing your fake tan shade, PLEASE don’t go for “Yer Ma fucked the Tango Man and out you came”. Just go for a nice light brown. It is April and it is Liverpool.  We aren’t in Barbados. You aren’t expected to be Terracotta.  And make sure you get it done properly at a salon. No one wants to see tiger stripes on your legs, or glowing orange hands that make you look like you just wanked off the aforementioned Tango Man.

If you’re a size 16 etc.... don’t go wearing a size 12 dress. Wear a 16 etc and make it knee length. If you don’t, you will only end up getting papped looking a bad state and then you’re bloke will swerve you and it will be tears before bedtime, your mascara will be dribbling down to yer knees and then you’ll get papped again.  

And as a general rule.. make sure you don't wear anything thats basically a cross between a Panto Dame and a Gypsy Wedding.

Shoes: Don’t go moaning at 5pm when the plazzy straps have already turned to barbed wire and your feet look like they’ve been through a combine harvester. You made your bed when you bought them from Shoo Shoo in St Johns for £19.99.  You knew they would quite literally rape your feet. But you risked it. So stick with it. No taking them off and going barefoot like a bad tramp.  (If you’re lucky MerseyTravel will be giving out free flip flops again)

Swerve the diamante false lashes. Since when has having blag diamonds attached to your eyes been acceptable? You’ll just look like Mr Freezeout of Batman has shot his load on your face.

Oh and don’t be expecting Coleen to let on to you coz you got your dress from Cricket.  And just because you spent your life savings on said dress, don’t be snide at the bar just buying a coke and bringing in your own bottle of Malibu in your faux-leather clutch.

To the lads:

Don’t go too shiny on the suit front. Seen some bad grip last year, suits were so shiny that I nearly got blinded.  And the shoes were so pointy that people nearly died walking downstairs. Who wants to look like a bad queer of a game show host really? And real men can’t fit in fucking anything from TopMan. So turn it in. 

Don’t wear sunnies unless it’s actually really sunny.  Do you wear sunnies at the match? Do you fuck. So man up and let a bit of squinting do the work. (Doubt the sun will shine much anyway like.. prob gonna piss down)

Don’t go backing horses coz they are named after your bird /linked to the shop your bird works / linked to where you met your bird etc ...It’s wool that.    Backing one that’slinked to your Five-O team / Stag Do nicknames is acceptable. 

Swerve the ‘bromance’ if your horse comes in. Be scouse and be cool. No hugging your mates and getting emotional. Just nod and neck back your pint, chuck the plazzy glass at a wool and go collect your winnings.

To the BAD WHOPPERS:

To all those BAD WHOPPERS that haven’t got a ticket for The National, but will put their Dad’s suit on and bounce round town afterwards pretending they’ve been: DONT DO IT YOU UTTER UTTER BAD BELLS.

Go out in your normal clothes. Or even better, stay home and play on Call Of Duty. 

Seen loads of you last year bouncing round Conny Square with a load of boxfresh tenners reckoning you’d been AND YOU JUST HADN’T .. AT ALL.. HAD YOU ... ???

Swerve it you mings.

To all the top Scousers who won't do anything mentioned above:  

Take pics of anyone who fits in the above categories and tweet them to me @MrJimmyCorkhill .. Bonus points if anyone gets a pic of Steph The Birkenhead Tranny on Ladies Day.

HAVE FUN AND DO US PROUD x x 

Laters kids  x