Tuesday, 27 March 2012

AN OPEN LETTER TO TULISA


Dear Tulisa, 

I write regarding The Video a.k.a Your Sex Tape

I’ve been trying my best to let this go, and to not have to put pen to paper... but then you went and did your “woe is you” video “setting the record straight”,  and now you’re on about suing this MC Wotsit for £100k  in damages etc... And I can no longer keep my silence.

I appreciate that having a sex tape released is a traumatic event. I am all too familiar with the experience myself. You will be too young to remember the scandal in the early 90s involving me, a certain TV weatherman and a VHS that somehow made its way out of my house and in to the hands of my ‘ so called best mate’  Sinbad.  Took me a while to forgive him, and my Mum never spoke to me ever again... Anyway, back to you, and your nosh tape. 

I don’t find the fact that your Ex leaked the tape surprising in the slightest.  You’re famous and his cock is nothing to be shy about – so why wouldn’t he?

What I do find surprising is that a bit of a bad slag like yourself, who has obviously been getting back ended since the first year of high school,  is SOOOOO TERRIBLE at noshing off a cock.

I mean.... really? What were you doing? 

It’s like a 6 minute show reel of ‘How NOT to Suck Cock’.  If someone said to me: “Hey, big boy what do you want me to do to you tonight?”.. I’d say “NOT THIS” and refer them to your video accordingly.

Like, what the actual fuck possessed you to slap the purple headed warrior against your head? How was that of sexual benefit to him or you? You were just procrastinating really, weren’t you? Doing whatever you could to avoid actually putting the one eyed monster in your mouth.

And the spitting? Oh dear lord the spitting!  Did you think you were stood waiting for a bus or something?  In which part of ChavLand is:  “I’m gonna do a massive greb right on your jap’s eye” a turn on?

If someone did that to me, I wouldn’t thank them for it. I’d get right on to Davy Liver taxis via the priority line and get them a ride home to their council house.

Had you actually done it properly and put the full shaft in your mouth instead of licking it tentatively like a lolly ice that’s too cold .. you wouldn’t need to lube with spit, the natural juices would be flowing. Throw a bit of deep throat action in the mix and you’re laughing.   But no. You just licked around and spat like a bad virgin who’s never even seen a bell end before. 

Oh and then the hand action? Jesus girl it’s a cock not a can of spray paint. Calm down with the choke the chicken before you tear it off.  Surprised he wasn’t crying.  I’d rather dip mine in vinegar. 

And then my ultimate favourite comedy moment was when you randomly whapped your left tit out, considered a tit wank, realised you couldn’t coz of the angle and then bailed and just left it hanging there. Yer nipple wasn’t even hard was it?  What an #ULTIMATEFAIL

All then... on top of all the above ...the SHEER HIDEOUSNESS of that pink velour trakky you were wearing to do said deed?   Had you no mirrors?  Is it any wonder he didn’t shoot his load?

I would have quite literally killed myself if I was so very bad at sexual acts and the whole world seen a tape of it. 

I was delighted to hear you had released an apology video. I watched it with interest, waiting for the line: “I am really shit at sucking cock, I see that now, and I apologise to all men out there who were offended by this”... but it never came (like yer ex ... waaayheeyyy)

How you can sit there in your “woe is you” video and refer to slapping a cock against your head and grebbing on it as an “INTIMATE MOMENT” I will never know. Its about as intimate as a shot gun up the arse in broad daylight.

And now you have the ultimate cheek in trying to sue your ex for £100k in damages? WHAT PLANET ARE YOU ON? Have you WATCHED the tape? I strongly believe that MC Ultra should be the one getting £100k in damages for having put up with such a bad bad bad bad bad blowie. Bet the poor lad is scared for life. Bet he has to wank in to a sock in the dark, otherwise the memories haunt him.

In summary, I sincerely hope that you have revised your technique since this tragic event.  And should you win the £100k in damages, I recommend you invest in a How To Suck Cock Properly Course, to ensure that repeat incidents do not occur.

Good day, yer bad slag,

Jimmy Corkhill


6 comments:

  1. Cracking blog Jimbo lad. Max Farnham has just asked me to ask you if you can give him his laptop back now?

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    1. Is right Sin .. Max can get to fuck. He's still got my Fleshlight

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  2. Your Lindsay would have done a much better job.....in fact that rug munching baby sitter Margaret would have had more of a clue !

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  3. Fuck me thats funny. i did see this video, i had to see if it was really THAT bad. it really, really was. such a shame. youd think that such a massive slag would have more experience & be better at the job in hand (and mouth)

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  4. What d'ya call a dog with two dicks Jimbo? ....... N'Dubz x

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