Friday 4 May 2012

AN OPEN LETTER TO THE TOWIE CAST


Dear bunch of Southern beauts off that Essex programme,

(For the avoidance of doubt, and to clear any ‘language barriers’ beaut is not a complimentary term.  A.K.A  being a beaut is ‘NOT REEM’.  *shudders*)

I write regarding my sheer, utter, relentless boredom of you being in the papers every five seconds, for quite literally, FUCK ALL.

In fact, I further this to question why you are in the papers AT ALL, never mind every five minutes.

Since when has one of you looking RATHER FAT in a bad bikini, then SLIGHTLY THINNER doing a god awful stupid pout , been viable  news?  I’m talking to YOU @LaurenGoodger

 
And haven’t YOU been sacked from the show anyway?  For being a boring fat slag?  Yeh thought so.

And then Mr Jelly Belly who prances around in a Tuxedo reckoning he can sing, making a bad tit of himself crying over that bird who keep swerving him all the time..   Yes YOU @RealJamesArgent

How is you having a £16,000 makeover made the news,  when you still look like an absolute blert who bathes in chip fat every night?  You got new teeth, a spray tan, a load of new clobber ... yeh great.. but how’s about you put down the double cheese burger for breakfast and swerve the ‘wet look gel’?

And don’t EVER , EVER get your moobs and jelly belly out in public  / on TV again. EVER.


And then there is the one that looks like a horse with tits ..she knobbed that old man who owns Sugar Hut  for his money, and then ditched him for a lower league footballer .. and then ... Yes I’m talking to YOU @MariaFowler

How is you rocking up in Liverpool at the Desperate Scousewives shop opening looking like you’ve fallen off the top of a Christmas Tree, and then “fighting” with Marcus Collins on Twitter,  viable news?

And how how how do you have the audacity to actually call him an “XFactor Reject” on Twitter?  He came second for fuck’s sake. He has singles in the charts.  He is CLEARLY very talented. Where as you? You are famous for WHAT ?  having tits and being a slag – thats what. You too have been SACKED from the show... so why are we still hearing about you? WHY?


And last but not least. The 12 year old boy.  Joey Friggin Essex. @JoeyEssex_ 

Lad – what are you?

You get in the news for wearing HEAD TO TOE Hollister  *shudders*  and ORANGE UGG BOOTS  *almost dies shuddering*  


You are the worst example of BAD VIRGIN I have ever seen.  Got about a zillion fan girls on twitter offering you Flange On A Plate and you just swerve it don’t you.   Like my mate @TinheadFTM said the other day.... Where’s the papparazzi  pics of you falling out of clubs at 4am?  You should be beaked up, with fanny-slither all the way up to your elbows....Why not get yourself in the news for that?   INSTEAD OF FOR DRIVING A WHITE SMART CAR !?  



And as for your profile pic on Twitter of you ‘looking REEM’ in your white speedos.... I’ve seen more meat left in a KFC bargain bucket after that Arg lad has had a go at it after half a day of trying to diet.   There’s a word up here for you, lad... = QUEG. 


In summary... I just can not comprehend why people like you are repeatedly the subject of tabloid news agenda.  Look at me and @SinbadBrookie, we can’t even get in The Liverpool Echo these days, despite decades of amazing soap acting and being LEGENDS across the Merseyside area.  Didnt even get an invite to the Soap Awards the other night!    Best exposure for me recently was the re-run of the episode of Come Dine With Me, where I rock up and serve chicken.  Really.  And it wasn’t even a celebrity episode.

So, I ask you to honour the views of me and the thousands that will read and retweet this, and stop getting yourselves in the news for FUCK ALL ... And please get yourself in the news for something NEWSWORTHY.. Say, a multiple car crash, or a suicide pact or perhaps a cast wide Anal Aids epidemic? I would quite happily read that kind of stuff.

Laters,

Jimmy C

29 comments:

  1. Love it !!! I hate T.O.W.I.E. In fact the only thing stopping me hating Essex in general is @2shoesOfficial

    But why no mention to the fact that @JoeyEssex is thick as pig shit Jimmy ? lol

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  2. Omg propa funny say it how it is :D

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  3. Hahaha Fucking quality!
    Hate all those towie cunts!
    Gang of fucking gimps!

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  4. once again fkn spot on dat haha

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    1. Being one of the unlucky people who have to live and work near these dickheads...thanks for saying what the actual real people of essex have been saying since it started. They are a worse stigma for us to put up with than the old boys in XR3 jokes and girls in white stillettos. At least that was what the normal essex crowd were like back then not like this bunch of dense plastic morons we have to put up with now who are nothing like anyone i know. Unfortunatly....and i must apologise...this bunch of muppets has managed to force its type of mindless tv and life style on other parts of the country. Desperate scouse wives, geordie shore....all programs where if brains were gunpowder non of them would have enough to blow thier nose.
      The thing i find hard to believe is people are actually paying for weekend trips (yes even from liverpool) to see where TOWIE is filmed. Are they mad. Why leave liverpool to go there.
      Please accept my apology for this blight that Essex has set on the country....it wasnt our choice believe me.

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    2. I feel your pain I am so glad I managed to leave essex before this bullshit began. I now refer to myself as coming from east london and save myself the embarrassment of saying I'm from anywhere related to these mindless idiots!

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    3. and further to your comment at least the lads driving XR3 were real geeza's unlike these poor confused souls.

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    4. lex i'm lucky to say i'm not originally from Essex....just stuck living there now cos of work. (islington lad originally) I was one of the Xr3 lads though for my crimes. i have since seen the light and got myself a decent Liverbird as my other half. so she gets me moaning about TOWIE and she moans about SCOUSEWIVES. What a combination.

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  5. HAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

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  6. Funny as fuck!!!!

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  7. In stitches Jimmy lad

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  8. murks them down to a tee

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  9. Every1 tweet this to those TOWIE retards, if they can read of course.

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  10. Don't sweat it these people will be poor & nobody's in a few years time - 2011/2012 is a dark period for TV/Media.

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  11. Just a simple very good !

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  12. Can not stop laughing!

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  13. This is brilliant! Keep telling them how it is buddy. Jokers...

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  14. This is epic! Could not agree more these talentless twats couldn't find a brain cell between them if they tried. It actually offends me how utterly dumb they are. Ha! at least amy childs found some self respect and left the show. TOWIE is a pure disgrace to Britain!

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  15. The Funniest Thing Ive Ever Read...

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  16. everything you said above goes to all celebs & media not just towie... if thats epic & the funniest thing you lot have ever read allow, get reem don't get mad... LOL

    all of the towie cast are normal thick rich kids & most of their dads are dodgey cunts

    team joey all day fuck all you Anonymous's

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  17. Team Joey! Are you fucking real you? Talk to FRANK mate because your obviously smacked up or high on the pritt stick you make your Joey scrapbooks with, fucking nob!

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  18. Taggy said it all! Nice one Jimmy this ones a cracker (excuse the pun)

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  19. yeah but unfortunatly it puts desperate scousewives to shame desperate being an under statement

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  20. There all shit and the lot of em should be fucking burned alive, slithery fucking toads

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  21. Unfortunately, as true as the insults probably are (I say probably having never put myself through a single second of watching for fear my brains will seep out of my ears), it is the mindless fucking shit for brains people at home that watch this utter garbage that make 'newspapers' write even more mindless shite about them. If and when people stop watching these good for less than nothing c*nt slut bags and vain awful excuses for men, with their putrid orange glow and tight unmentionables, they will vanish off the face of the earth once and for all. Viewers are worse than the 'actors', as bad as I'm certain they are, for giving them the ego's they must swagger around with. Sickening society

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  22. would bus em all to presthaven,order meself a double vod(house)..sit back and watch..o the joy

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  23. Wow, chill out mate, god that is pure hate! Don't watch it if it does that to yer. It's getting views so not everyone feels like you. I think it's light hearted stuff - don't take so seriously, and anyone would think it's just Essex that have false this and that? the northerners are the same. Didn't i watch a programme not too long ago regards Scousers taking 3 days to get ready for a night out. tanning, hair extensions, paying for boob job on credit card?
    Pwah! no different - only Essex got a series, they'll be one soon for Liverpool. I'm a northerner - it's how it is now - everywhere! ??

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  24. TOWIE is SH*TE, like the vast majority of the other stuff on ITV.

    Most of the media is too. Thankfully I don't waste money or bandwidth on the tabloids (why should I pay Rupert Murdoch's evil ******g empire to be fed garbage), soaps, magazines or other low quality b/s output.

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