Tuesday, 14 February 2012

AN OPEN LETTER TO PIERS MORGAN


AN OPEN LETTER TO PIERS MORGAN

Dear Piers, 

Whatever happened to you at that posh private school you went to? Were you bog flushed on multiple occasions? Locked in cupboards for hours on end? Was your teddy bear beheaded? Were you de-kecked in front of hundreds of people?  Did you get forced to eat the ‘soggy biscuit’?  

I ask these questions not because I care about your troubled childhood in the slightest, but because I wonder what is behind you growing in to a despicable, embarrassment of a man.

You genuinely make me cringe so hard that my testicles invert.

“Why?” I hear you ask as you check your Twitter for “top blokey banter” from Alan Sugar.  Because you are quite literally the definition of an UtterTwunt. 

There are a million and one reasons why you are the definition of an UtterTwunt. I can feel my blood pressure rising just thinking them through. I will probably end up dead if I write too much.

I deliberately swerve you on TV. As soon as your face appears doing one of those god awful manufactured life stories programmes with some FameRat like Peter Andre where you just talk over them anyway and hardly let them answer, etc – the TV goes off. 

But what I can’t avoid is your god awful tweeting, even though I don’t follow you, it keeps getting retweeted in to my timeline.  To be honest, I did follow you one time, just so I could UNFOLLOW you immediately to see if it gave me any respite from this eternal hatred. It did, for about 10 seconds, then I hated you even more. 

Annoyingly, I am a glutton for punishment, I see one of your tweets RT’d into my timeline and I just have to open it up and read it.  And time after time, I see you doing one of three things:

1) Namedropping a massive celeb, like a desperate Z-lister would /  RTing a “praise” tweet from an aforementioned massive celeb like a desperate Z-lister would.

2) Chatting shit about how great you are, how many followers you have, how many viewers your chat show has, how many countries it is broadcast to..etc.

3) Continuing to embarrass yourself by having “top blokey banter” with footballers that hate you / people that hate you / Alan Sugar who hates you etc.

What annoys me the most is that you are AWFUL at “banter”. Your comebacks are just so awful and cringe worthy, you act like a stuck up rich boy at private school, trying to defend himself from bog-flushing, de-kecking, cupboard locking and soggy biscuit eating. Hence my opening lines.
You are SO BAD  that you make the likes of Rio Ferdinand, Michael Owen and Wayne Rooney look good.  You make them look like they have won; which of course makes my blood boil so much that my ears whistle, as they are all absolute CuntKnuckles.   

Stop correcting their spelling and grammar. They are footballers – they aren’t meant to be able to spell.  Stop getting the red pen out and how’s about you actually lash a proper insult their way.  Tell Rooney that he looks like he got his hair cut in St. Helens for a fiver. Tell him that you’ve upped the security at your Mum’s nursing home so he doesn’t go and back end her.  And tell Rio that his top lip proper looks like a slug. In fact, tell him that his mouth actually looks like a badly packed kebab. Tell him that his Mrs has GOT a badly packed kebab.  And as for the Welsh Midget, surely you can muster something up about curling out a shit that was bigger than his entire body or something? Or something about United extending his contract, by putting a piece of paper at the bottom saying “he’s shit” ?  

Meanwhile, the thought of you broadcasting to millions of Americans in your newfound CNN fame makes me ill, purely because the WHOLE of America will think all English men are absolute bell ends. Simon Cowell and you are flying the flag. Good job I’m scouse and not English, isn’t it Piersy?

One other massive thing that infuriates the balls off me:

You called your three sons Spencer, Stanley and Albert. What kind of chance do they have of NOT BEING TWATS with names like that, and a Dad like you?  And even more annoyingly, combined, they sound like an utterly thundercuntish estate agents, or investment firm ... “Good Morning, Spencer Stanley Albert, how may I help you?”   

And one last thing, if, heaven forbid, I was an Arsenal fan, I’d get a petition going to get some kind of court order preventing you from associating yourself with the club.

Good day to you, you massive massive blert,

Jimmy Corkhill x

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81 comments:

  1. you're right, piers morgan is a massive twat.

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  2. absolute legend of a man, jimmy corkhill- my hero!

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  3. I couldn't agree more with this, you Sir are truthful & I praise this!

    Hopefully this will bring tears for Piers.

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  4. this is superb and deserves a much much wider audience. well played jimmy

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  5. Jimmy, you have shamed yourself by wasting time to write this. (good read for me) but if you think Piers will read this then you have got it wrong. Sorry to break it to you pal

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    Replies
    1. Piers Morgan doesn't care truly, he seems to let the whole rubbish into him much and the irony of life is that it works for him

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  6. Your entitled to your opinion but I don't think bringing his kids into it is cool. I mean....they haven't done anything. Just a little low.

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  7. Scouse is a food not a nationality

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    Replies
    1. Yes it is. Tinhead is Head of State and Ricky Tomlinson's our prime minister. You stinky cunt

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  8. That.. had to be done. I feel so good right now. /piershater

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  9. Follow @opta_joke
    Takes the piss out of footballers better than Piers Morgan ever can ..

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  10. best put of a prick for ages

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  11. Hold the phone, is that Jimmy that played some bellend in Brookside many many moons ago??

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  12. Legend has it that Eric Clapton stopped playing guitar after hearing Jimi Hendrix (only for a while though)....so after reading this article by Mr. Corkhill i have chucked my pen in the bin....

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  13. so he's a cunt, and you're a twat for writing this piece of good shit. can't u focus on something more meaningful to this world other than his twitter account? end of story.

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    Replies
    1. at least one of you has some perspective...jeez.

      sad fact is that the "scaffold/neanderthal mentality" is far too much in evidence in this so called civilised society of ours.

      The author of that piece has proved to the world that he is full of unspent venom and hatred, probably due to personal problems that have nothing to do with PM but as PM is rich, famous and successful he makes a convenient target.

      Get real guys.

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    2. Piers Morgan is a complete and uttertwat, so if you dont like the opinion posted here then skip along to the Piers fanboy page and crack one off.

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  14. Fictional character pens badly written criticism of successful, urbane journalist who, for someone who went to Harlow College, is actually doing remarkably well for himself. Get back in your box, you sad little man. Three things, in order to ever be taken seriously learn how to string sentences together, don't hide behind your two pence, long forgotten soap opera arse clown, and never, ever involve a man's children. You're an idiot.

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    1. Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. x x x

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    2. anon FOR THE WIN!

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    3. You fucking arse bandit. Get a grip, Morgan is a top bellend and Jimmy's view is shared by hundreds of thousands. Personally, this the best piece of writing I have ever had the privilege to read afer Mr Strong, Mr Greedy and Mr Bump. So go and put your penis in your daughters bumhole before Jimmy does.

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    4. Jimmy's view is shared by hundreds of thousands? Congratulations, Liverpool is populated by a load of ginger haired, cousin fucking imbeciles.
      Long forgotten cum guzzler who has a day off from stealing hubcaps, has the support of his peers. Well done, you fucking cretins. Your football club is putting on a sterling performance of keeping up the stereotype too.

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    5. Liverpool isn't the only city to hate this gloating, big headed self-lover. And I support Everton you gay pube.

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    6. Everton, Liverpool. Same shit hole, same jobless, thieving neanderthal cunts.

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    7. An anti-Liverpool joke featuring the word 'jobless'? Now there's a new one. Same shit hole? Thieving? Neanderthal cunts? Find a city where none of the above applies. You sweaty drop of period blood.

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    8. Careful, this might be classed as 'Banter'

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    9. Careful, someone might get Fazakattacked or worse, explicitly refused permission to hang one's hat in Liverpool

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    10. Great use of a Blade 3 quote in there, possibly one of the best pieces of literature I have read in a long time.

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    11. @the Anon manc

      https://spreadsheets.google.com/spreadsheet/pub?hl=en_US&hl=en_US&key=0ArSvCwIJPzFkdFlQLXBrMlg5Y3VKTDlzRE1BdkJaMUE&output=html

      A reality check for you, Scumchesters crime statistics! Doubt it has the town of Trafford though.

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  15. Well said Jimmy! Piers talks above his guests and thinks the interview is all about HIM!!!! Hes only there cos the americans think ANYONE with an english accent is worth listening to

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  16. yep Jimmy,he sure is a complete and utter fucking cunt..

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  17. Brilliant!
    I live in America and I can tell you Pierse Morgan is slowly turning into a Plastic American.

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  18. You've only encouraged him further. The man feeds off heavy criticism in case you haven't noticed. Wasted your time you have. But hey, you'll get a surge in traffic.

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  19. Eeeeeeeee jimmy you bald bast that made me chuckle that did. Slight air or the Trevor jordache about it tho and you know what happened to him! Maybe time to cage the rage and step away from the twitter account for a bit....

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  20. Cant stand PM either but how do you know how bad his show Life Story's is if you don't watch them? (I do,they are shite)...Just think it's a bit rich someone,anyone,from Liverpool moralising at the moment. Keep your heads down for a while eh scousers?

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    Replies
    1. You are confusing Liverpool Fc with Liverpool the city. 2 totally different things

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    2. Ahem...Liverpool FC REPRESENTS Liverpool the city; whether Liverpudlians know/like it or not.

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    3. Congratulations Einstein. Everton FC also represent the city. After all, anyone with half a brain cell knows they've been around for longer.

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  21. But the real question is...... Who was 'Dippin the bins' for the 6 months it took you to write that letter? @georgina_cee

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  22. Yeah Jimmy, I think bell end discribes Pierse Morgan

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  23. If I was Piers Morgan I would be laughing so hard I'd sick. He's a journalist who has had the editorship of two national newspapers, been the judge on two of the world's most watched TV shows and has a daily news show that goes out to 200 million people worldwide.

    He's then insulted (badly) by a one-time actor from a soap opera that hasn't been shown for nearly 10 years who is still referring to himself by his old characters name.

    I bet that's made his day.

    p.s. Didn't I see you the other week on a re-run of "Come Dine with Me"? You weren't cooking on it, you were serving the main course...and it wasn't even the celebrity edition.

    Nice one Jimmy.

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    Replies
    1. Hahahaha you fucking idiot! Do you actually think this is really the tv character? Sit down and shut up gobshite, you are obviously thick as fuck

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    2. No, that's the point. Rather than writing as "Dean Sullivan", he writes as "Jimmy Corkhill" - my point was that if that's the only thing he's got as a claim to fame, is he the right person to call Piers Morgan a Bell End?

      We need to get someone else to call Piers Morgan a Bell End, preferably someone who's been more successful than he has.

      It was a simple enough point I was making. Let me know if you need any more help in understanding what anyone else writes.

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    3. You THICK THICK THICK bastard ! hahahah You are more of a beaut than Piersy

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    4. Thanks for the reply Jimmy! I'll take as much joy from it as I would if I'd managed a retweet from one of the TOWIE cast.

      It's so refreshing to see someone who is in the public eye (and I'm being kind there) engage with us mere mortals who comment on their blogs. The elegance of your writing and the fine language you use is an inspiration.

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    5. yet a another nail in the Jimmy corkhill career coffin

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    6. This is beyond hilarious. This prick thinks this is Dean/Jimmy writing?

      Love it!

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  24. His sons names sound like fuckin' sports trophys or horse races, the Stanley Morgan trophy!

    His US show is probably only doing as well 'coz it's in Larrys time slot and already was showen in 200 cuntries!

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    Replies
    1. Yeah 200 "CUNTRIES".

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    2. You're a Cuntrie

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  25. Quality jimmy , piers is also a grass , heading a witch hunt after arsenal in Copenhagen who took it to the Turk cunts Protecting Jonny come lately cunts like him,

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  26. Next thing will be Ena Sharples calling Joey Barton a bell end.

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  27. This just further feeds his ego. When he knows that he gets under your skin and you can't avoid him, even when trying. He is a definite embarrassment to Arsenal supporters. As for the celebs, well Rupert gave him the means to listen to their cell phones.

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  28. Someone should save Mr Morgan, i can see him doing something silly
    before too long. He is a troubled soul, if you look hard enough you will see the man needs help.

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    Replies
    1. Everything the cunt does is silly. A baseball bat should put him out of his misery.
      Up The Gunners!

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  29. superb letter.stand up sir jimmy of corkhill.you put it much much better than i could mate.leg-end

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  30. Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.

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  31. CuntKnuckle...BRILLIANT!

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  32. Piers Morgan is scum, he is also no Arsenal fan.

    He stitched up around 40 Arsenal fans after the UEFA Cup final in Copenhagen. These lads were banned from going to Highbury. Many lost their jobs and endured tough times because of him.

    The "man" is vermin.

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  33. Jelly and Ice cream when Piers Morgan dies!

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  34. Morgan just wants to be controversial. He don't give a crap if he's hated or loved as long as he is getting attention. Articles like this serves his purposes.

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  35. ew dick hed

    fck off man utd r shit morgan is a legand

    city till i die

    arsenal 4-0 hor hor hor hor hor hor har har har hor hor har

    city 6 - united bum boys 1

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    Replies
    1. Everton 1-0 City bum heads, Liverpool 3-2 City bum heads

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  36. THIS IS THE BEST THING I HAVE EVER READ IN MY WHOLE LIFE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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    Replies
    1. EPITAPH OF A SAD LIFE !

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  37. Sounding like a cunt by insulting others. Oh, the irony of this "open letter".

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  38. I'm in 2 minds about this: 1 - Don't like Piers Morgan, Simon Cowell or a lot of others who shovel up cash by being objectionable 2 - gratuitous use of offensive words by the bus load is going to turn off most of the people who read this which means your influence in circles that would have klout over the careers of these excrescences is limited.
    That's a pity,because these low lifes need taking down. Notice that most of these postings are anonymous which also detracts from any weight it might carry.
    Good rant though...

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    1. No, it is Not a good rant. You make a good point about readership and gutter language but you then condone the language used in the letter.
      ANY SO CALLED LETTER TO ANYONE THAT RESORTS TO THAT LANGUAGE, ONLY and I mean ONLY, MAKES THE COMPOSER LOOK LIKE AN OVERGROWN YOB ! Which automatically voids and credence to their argument.
      Go Figure !

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  39. I think some people are taking this way too seriously. Piers Morgan puts himself (very visibly) in the public eye. Therefore is does not matter who insults him, their background or their success has no relevance. They are intitled to their opinion.
    I am a scouser though, and my city is not solely represented by our football teams (however much one is kicking the countries arses) in fact, our city is a booming centre of culture and tourism, with exciting opportunities and some of the best education statistics in the country. I can understand how other counties with lower standards of education might still believe in the stereo-typed comedy scouse character, when they have no other outlet for their frustration but condemning the whole of Liverpool because they have a hard in for Piers Morgan, who in reality is a thundercunt

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  40. have it on good authority that when confronted over Arsenal for his part in the Copenhagan which hunt, he put his kids in harms way by hiding behind them....not only a cunt but a coward aswell....Piers Morgan...go fuck yourself....

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  41. Can Jimmy allow his article to be republished on our website? I would like to know please.

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    Replies
    1. it's a Nigerian based website ascology.com, with some of your other articles

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  42. As a Gunner I can only agree with you. Morgan pens a piece supporting the club and manager when things are going well and then shits on them during difficult times. It all appears to be designed to draw attention. Support the club or fuck off! end of.

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  43. James, will you and Fred be mincing round for that bottle of Chablis I promised you for raising my profile in the North West?
    All our love, Piers and Peter (my queg fella)

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  44. what a jealous bitter little man you are.

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  45. Well done jimmy cockhill la

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