Jimmy Corkhill's Photographical Review of The Grand National

So, after my blog about how to Keep It Scouse At The National went down such a treat, with over 7000 views, I thought I’d take the time to do a Photographical Review of all the disasters that failed to take my advice, and rocked up and made bad shows of themselves:

Here goes:

 

Exhibit a) Not too bad a start, decent outfits, decent figures .. then OH MY GOD what is the face on that third one? The one in the tan?  Looks like the Birkenhead Tranny’s twin brother:

Exhibit b) No clue what’s happening here.  Are they feather earrings or is it a feather boa or did something just crash land in her chips or what?

Exhibit c) Lad? What the actual fuck? Really lad?  Why?  Actual WHY?   

Never seen anything as queg in my life.

Exhibit d) So .. this bird has fallen head first through the Gypsy Wedding dress maker’s shop.. Then her 3 year old messed around with it a bit.. and then her fella placed the pearl necklace on there?  Bad state.

Exhibit e)   WHAT is this on the right???  Looks like she’s had off a Pimp .. robbed his coat and hat ??  Has she no mirror? Has her friend no tongue? Really?

Exhibit f) What an absolute belter this is.  Some lad has actually let his Ma out the house looking like that.  There are so many things wrong with it.. I can’t even begin.  She reminds me of an old Crown Street prozzy I affectionately nicknamed Candle Wax Face.

Exhibit g)  Told you this would happen didn’t I?  Shoes off, tears.. vomming.. Making a bad mess of yourselves.  Bet yer fella still isnt talking to you is he love?

Exhibit h) Dear Lord...  someone’s Ma here taken a turn for the worst.  Can you imagine??!  Our Jackie got herself in that bad a state one time and I never forgave her. Ended up noshing a bizzy the utter whore. 

Our Lindsay was fumin.

Exhibit i)  Tight shiny suit -  check ...  Sunnies – check ... Being an ABSOLUTE WHOPPER-  check...

Exhibit j)  These two have GOTTA be from Wigan?  Nice saggy nips there, bird in the pink top.

Exhibit k) Just put her down and put those thunder thighs away... Tree trunks.  Also check out the GORGEOUS steward in the background

Exhibit l) Now what did Uncle Jimmy say about Panto Dame crossed with Gypsy Wedding?

Exhibit m) I don’t even need to say anything for these two do I ?

 

Exhibit n) Here we go .. shoes off.. snarling down the  to your fella coz he has swerved you.   

Told you, didn’t I ?

Exhibit o) And last but not least .. this utter buffoon of a man always has to gegg in doesn’t he. Does that cardigan / coat thing actually have Buffalos on it? Really lad?

My thoughts on Samantha Brick

A load of people on Twitter have been asking me to blog about this Samantha Brick. So due to popular demand, here goes:

Let's kick off by saying how hilarious it is that she is named after the item she was hit in the face with at birth.  It’s highly likely that she’s actually called Samantha Brick-FryingPan-ParkedCar-UglyStick, but uses Brick for short.

I first saw her article on Tuesday morning when I was perusing the DailyMail website for celebrity gossip  / the latest photos of the One Direction boys.  I read about how she is faced with the lifelong turmoil of being cursed with such god damn pretty features and became puzzled. I’m sure many of you had the same initial reaction as me… “Have these lot mixed the pictures up here or what?”

I was certain that the pictures I was looking at were actually taken from a standard Daily Mail “My IVF at age 50 was a success“ type story or something … and that the aforementioned beautiful woman’s photos must have been accidentally misplaced. But no. The photos were indeed of Samatha Brick  and she truly believes that she is God’s Gift.

I was amazed. She genuinely believes that she is really beautiful. She’s average. A Plain Jane.

She genuinely believes that other women dislike her for her looks. Nothing at all to do with her being an arrogant, egotistical, crazed lunatic then?

I won't sit here and slate her and call her all the names under the sun, as that has been done.

However, I will offer a few "truths" behind some of her claims:

1) “Men pay for my taxi fares”   … Yes probably to get rid of you the morning after a bad  ten to two mistake. 

2) “Men stop me in the street and give me flowers” ….  Yes, anything to cover up that snarling grid of yours. You've got teeth like Wayne Rooney's brother.

3) “Ladies blank me as they think I will steal their husbands.” …  You probably did, didn’t you? Yer bad slag.

4)  “An airline pilot sent a stewardess to me with a bottle of champagne when I boarded a plane” .. Yes.. but it was empty and she did glass you with it. How many stitches did you need?

So when the whole of Twitter started to die laughing at her claims, and tweet that she was in fact nothing special, how does she react? Does she go “Oh dear, I must have really over inflated my own opinion of myself?” …   Nope. She says that we are proving her right. We all hate her for being beautiful.

Dear lord… When is she going to realise that she just isn’t?
Has anyone sent her a mirror?!  Are Specsavers PR Team on to her yet? Getting her in for an eye test?

And then today she releases some new photos on The Daily Mail, to convince us of her beauty.. except she’s got a kench like she’s been taking advantage of The Pound Bakery’s offers a little too often, washed down with a pint of full fat coke.  #Fail

And her clothes?  She looks like a bad Marks&Spencers advert really doesn't she. So very Mummsy and nothing at all sexy about her. At all. #DoubleFail

My favourite phrase of this whole saga entire was tweeted to me by one of my followers;  (Can't remember who, sorry)

“She’s got a face like a bucket of smashed crabs”.

How perfect is that phrase?

Oh and one final note: If her handlebar-moustached denim shirt wearing French husband doesn’t star in gay porn, then I will be damned.  He is a “bear” if ever I’ve seen one. And trust me I’ve seen one.  *deletes internet history*

Happy Easter everyone ..   JC  x x