A FEW THOUGHTS ON / FOR MAN UTD FANS

I fired out a few tweets last night about the ‘Van Persie to Man Utd’ deal.
I’m not a sports writer, no. I don’t claim to be.  I’m just a football fan who spends most of the time taking the piss out of everything that breathes, and every now and then I tweet a little tiny glimmer of sense.

I said that Arsenal should be glad about generating £24m for a 29 year old striker. Most gunners who replied, agreed.

But for some reason, my tweet prompted every on-edge-defensive / axe-to-grind Man Utd fan in the country (majority being in the SOUTH of the country might I add) to tweet me jibes about Andy Carroll costing us £35m.  Majority of which went along these lines:

“Andy Carroll was £35m you kopite wanker hahahaha you scouse scum hahaahha #19”

Is this directly linked to Arsenal being pleased about getting £24m for RVP?  No. 

Granted, Newcastle will have laughed till they threw up at getting £35m for Carroll.  Of course they did.   Even the stack of left over Carroll NUFC shirts in his Sports Direct warehouse wouldn’t stop Fat Mike Ashley from laughing his fat sausage cock off.  Similar to the way we laughed at Chelsea, once we had stopped mourning / being angry, at taking Torres off us for £50m, to then have him sat on the bench or carrying out epic misses for the rest of that season, and the majority of the next.

((N.B   Did we really “pay” £35m for Carroll?  We actually got rid of an underperforming Torres, brought Carroll in to replace the role of Mr Underperformer, and actually ended up £15m better off if you look at it that way... but that’s an argument for another time.))

So in response to all the “hahahah you scouse bin-dippers paid £35m for Carroll” tweets, most of which were littered with spelling errors and general nonsense, I tweeted this:

“Yes #LFC paid £35m 4 Carroll.. BUT Reina £6m v DeGea £23m Agger £5m v Rio F £30m Lucas £6.5m v Carrick £18m Suarez £22m v Berbatov £30m”

What I was trying to illustrate, off the top of my head, was that yes we “paid” over the odds for Carroll, but we’ve had some decent bargains in recent years too.  Some good value players.

The tweet got 1500 RTs (still counting) and I got a hilariously bizarre mismatch of replies. (Some Everton fans agreeing with me was a first, I have to say!)

Unfortunately, the majority of replies were again from our intellectually challenged Man Utd friends, and with some difficulty I was able to translate a few of them to fit in the below categories:

Type 1 - “Yeh but we’ve won more. LFC have won fuck all. Fuck all since the 80s.”

Yes, LFC have won fuck all. We are categorically NOT the most decorated club in English history.  Honest.  We don’t have 41 trophies to your 40.   We really have won fuck all. Yes it’s so true.  We have NOTHING in our trophy cabinet. 

Click here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_football_clubs_in_England_by_major_honours_won

Shall I stop living in the past??  OK... Let’s scrap all the 80s stuff. Lets even scrap our 5^th Champions league win in 2005. And FA Cup 2006. Even that’s too far back.  Let’s look JUST at last season shall we?  Andy Carroll’s first full season – De Gea’s first full season.  Is that modern enough for you? Because WE won the Carling Cup, and made the final of the FA Cup.  YOU won fuck all. Sweet fuck all.  Unless you want a trophy for getting dicked by City 6-1? Or a trophy for just “coming second in the league” ... That STILL won’t put you ahead, as we’d have a nice little trophy for coming second in 2008/09, too, wouldn’t we?

Type 2 - “Yeh that’s coz you scousers are skint and can’t afford fuck all except the bargain bin.”

Yes, yes. We are skint. Yes.  We are the ones that just floated ourselves on the NYC Stock Exchange. Yes that was us. Oh .. hang on a minute... that’s you.

And yes, only the bargain bin for us we are that skint, yes. We didn’t spend £35m for Andy Carroll, we actually swapped him for an old TV and some sexual favours. There was no money exchanged, because we are indeed skint.

Type 3 - “Yeh but Henderson and Downing are shit too.”

Yep, they aren’t amazing as of yet. But if we are playing that game, let’s throw in your purchase of Anderson at £20m. Anderson who is incredibly shit at everything except looking like that ‘Cleopatra Comin Atcha’ girl-band from the late 90s.   Shall we throw in Owen Hargreaves too at £17m?  Shall we bring up Bebe at £7.4m? Every team makes mistake buys – every team has disappointments. I was demonstrating the good value of some of our successful players -vs- yours, so why do you need to load the bloopers tape?

Type 4 -  “Yeh but we got Giggs and Scholes for £0m.”

Clap, clap, clap. Well done for that.  Ever heard of a couple of lads called Steven George Gerrard and James Lee Duncan Carragher?

Type 5 -  Miscellaneous illiterate shit and abuse.

Learn to spell.  Swerve being the big man. It's obvious you're only allowed on twitter whilst your Mrs watches Corrie.   #SevenThirtyTillEightTweeter

Oh and take the photo of you and your ugly kid off your profile picture – you’re an embarrassment to him/ her/ it. 

Laters, see you Sept 23rd.   #YNWA

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AN OPEN LETTER TO THE MAROON 5 BLOKE

Alright lad... you still stuck in that payphone or what?

Because every time I turn the radio on, there you are, warbling about being in a payphone trying to call home... la la la laaa laaa laaaaaa lalalala yooouu.  Or something.

Its getting a bit old now,  I’m a bit bored of it.  I was concerned of your plight upon the first time hearing said song, but now I have heard it about 872 times it has sprung a few questions in my mind about the legitimacy of your dilemma.

Who even uses payphones these days?

Are you bad scruff or what? You sold 8 million copies of “Moves Like Jagger”  .. You’d think you’d be able to afford a phone that has a contract, so you’d never run out of credit? Don’t tell me you’ve spent the entire proceeds already on vintage t-shirts and skinny jeans?  

OK so maybe you have a contract phone, but the battery is dead? (Probably from listening to your own songs all day on speaker)

So lend yer mate’s phone? You aren’t out on the piss ON YOUR OWN are you? You have got mates right?  And unless they are all bad scruffs who haven’t topped up their PayAsYouGo either?   If that is the unfortunate case, you need new mates. But for an immediate solution to your problem, just lend a bird’s phone?  Some bad slag will absolutely be trying to get a photo with you for her Instagram..  Just say “Here girl, lend us that phone a minute there”  and she will probably lend you her thong as well.

Just do whatever you can so you don’t need to use a Tramps Piss Stinking payphone?  Be resourceful lad.

How are you ‘trying to call home’ as such and what’s taking you so long?

Are you that rat-arsed that you can’t dial the number?  That pissed that you’re ringing the number of the place you used to live when you were 17?  That would be acceptable.

Or is yer bird swerving you and not answering because she’s sick of your skinny jeans that haven’t been washed since 2009?

Or is the line busy? Bet she’s on to her Ma chatting shit.   Unlucky lad.

But here’s an idea.  Call her mobile.   Who uses landlines in real life?

How have you ‘spent all your change’?

Everyone knows you don’t put yer 10p in until they answer.  Even bad divvies who can’t spell know this.


IN GENERAL:

In general, please get the fuck out of the payphone and fuck off. 

There’s some kids there who want to ring the fire brigade for a joke and you’re spoiling their fun.

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Rio Ferdinand's Dictionary

Well well well...  Rio Ferdinand hey?!

It’s usually his top lip hanging there like a badly packed kebab that annoys me..  But now he is deciding to change the meanings of phrases to try and worm out of trouble? 
One could say that Rio is a :

Shithouse (n)  Someone who ‘gives it big guns’ and then retracts and squirms when trouble comes knocking

I was highly amused by Rio’s antics over the weekend. He, by proxy, calls Ashley Cole a ‘Choc Ice’ which every single person on earth knows to be a derogatory term for ‘black on the outside, white on the inside’.

But in Rio’s Dictionary:

Choc Ice  (n)  “Someone who is fake. So there.”

Amusing, in that the could have called that little runt Cole something simple, like a “CUNT”, or, say a “QUEER FAG BASTARD WHO PUTS MOBILE PHONES ON VIBRATE UP HIS ARSE” and no one would have batted an eyelid.

But setting aside that small matter, Rio’s own definition of Choc Ice has inspired me to share a few other ‘classics’ that might be in Rio’s Dictionary:

RIO'S DICTIONARY - Volume one:

Moving House (v) :  Deliberately missing a drugs test after being off your face      *allegedly

Stay On Your Feet (phrase):    A catch phrase launched to pretend that an aging, injury prone footballer is actually at the height of his game and is tackling everything that moves, when really, his back legs have gone.

Murking  (v)  :  Acting a twat and trying to have your mates off with lame as fuck practical jokes, and telling them, “You Got Murked” on TV, but just looking a cunt yourself through the whole process.

What reasons? (question) :   Realising you are too shit, even for England, but instead of taking it on the chin when you don’t get picked, publically questioning the Owl-faced buffoon who manages England, via Twitter.  Cringe.

Ayia Napa Kappa Slappa (n):  the woman who features in the embarrassing porn vid with Rio, Lampard and Dyer circa 2000   *allegedly 

Lamp-roast (v):  To spit roast aforementioned Ayia Nappa Kappa Slappa with your England team mate Frank Lampard

Doing 105.9 (v): the acceptable speed to travel on most motorways, before finally getting banned

Self important twat (Adj):  Description of Rio Ferdinand

Soggy Ham Butty (n):  Description of Rio’s top lip

Slug lip (n):  Description of Rio’s top lip

Badly packed kebab (n):  Description of Rio’s top lip

....And I know its not in alphabetical order.. but his top lip and bottom lip arent in order so why would his dictionary be?

Tweet any submissions for Rio’s Dictionary to  @MrJimmyCorkhill    #RiosDictionary

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5 REASONS WHY I HATE WIMBLEDON

Been asked to pen my thoughts on Wimbledon.

A recent tweet of mine sums it up in less than 140 characters:

@MrJimmyCorkhill:    #ThingsIdRatherDoThanWatchWimbledon  be Joseph Fritzl’s daughter

But I shall now, of course, divulge as to why I’d rather be abducted and locked in a dingy cellar for a decade getting back-ended by crazy Austrian who happens to be my dad, than watch said tennis tournament.

Reason 1:  Andy Murray

What a miserable, miserable, miserable twat this lad is.  He’s got all the money in the world, he could have any hot slag he wants given his fame and fortune,  and yeh he’s pretty decent at hitting little yellow balls with a racquet too. So why why why does he look like he owned 50 pet cats that he loved and cherished, and they all just died on the same day of a freak strain of Feline Aids?  

Cheer. The. Fuck . Up.      Gizza smile lad.

Has anyone ever seen him smile?  Ever?  If he wins does he smile then? Or just he just grimace like he’s shitting out a spiced pineapple?

Reason 2 : Andy Murray’s Mum

Ah maybe this is why soft lad doesn’t smile. Imaging having Andy Murray’s mum as your Ma.  Bloody hell.   I can’t decide if she’s a lezza, or if she really needs a good seeing to. Or both.

And imagine your mum rocking up at everything and shouting you on like that ... Do you see Stevie G’s Ma in the dug out at Anfield going “Eeeeeyaaa Stevie Lad .. Go ‘ed there laddd... G’waaan son”

No. No you do not.

The only football player’s mum who gets involved in the footy scene is John Terry’s Ma.  Who, as the excellent rumour that we all like to consider fact goes, got shagged by Carragher’s cousin during Euro 08.   Belter that.   #JohnTerrysMaLovesScouseCock

Reason 3: Ball boys

Seen a belter tweet from @ScouseAmbassador yesterday saying that Wimbledon balls boys are all bad victims who got bullied at school and bummed by a choir master.  How true.  Possibly the most true tweet I’ve ever seen.

Absolute bad quegs the lot of them.

Its nailed on that they are all called Tarquin, Phillipe, Oscar, Rupert (Rupes to his chums) and William. I challenge anyone who reads this to find me a ball boy who is called Dave. Go on.  Find me a ball boy called DAVE and I will blog a photo of me with my bare arse out, cheeks spread, doing a Lauren Goodger style trout pout, finger on lips...  and I will put a tennis ball up my foreskin for good measure.

Seen how they are on best behaviour all the time, crouch perfectly, stand to attention like soldiers, dead quick with everything,  hand fresh towels out like sweets... and have all got the gayest run ever... Makes me cringe so hard my testicles invert.  Get on the ball boys at the match for some tips,  we’ve had some crackers in the Premiership over the years. Stroll round like they’re not arsed, they get the ball when they want. Do they give it back in a rush when Utd are attacking in the 90^th minute- do they fuck.  Is right lads.

Reason 4:  The crowd

Another bunch of Tarquins, Phillipes, Oscars, Rupert s and Williams, with some Hermiones, Jermimas, Elizabeths, Margarets and Trixibelles thrown in.   Sat there with their cucumber butties and strawberries and cream. Actual cream. Not that squirty stuff from The Asda. Actually runny cream. Posh fuckers.

And their Robinsons Lemon Fruit & Barley.... in a flask.  Fucking fuck off.

Sitting there Instagramming photos of themselves and tweeting hash tags like  #TotesWimbledonYaaah , before switching from iPhone to their Blackberries to just check up on their work emails.

And there is obviously too much sugar in all them strawberries and fruit & barley  and it goes to their heads and they actually start getting excited at what’s going on in front of them:

  “Ooooh” ... “Aaaahh” ....   “Ooooh”  .... “Aaaaaah”

Are they messing?  A bloke is hitting a yellow thing at another bloke.  That bloke is hitting it back. Oh.. it hit the ground. Oh no. ????

And then you get them ones who actually SCREECH..    “Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekkk”  all because the bloke who hit the ball at the other bloke ALMOST didn’t hit it back when he got it hit back at him, but then he hit it back. Like, at the last second and that.   Zzzzzzzzzz.

And this crowd sit there ALLLLL DAY.   I get a numb arse in The Kop, if I don’t stand up and bounce to Theeeeeeeeee Fieeeeeeeeelds of Anfieeeeeld Roooooooad every 15 mins.   Can you imagine sitting there ALLLLLLL FUCKING DAY?   In these denims?   Norrrrapnin.

Reason 5 : People who can afford to pay £45k for a ticket for the men’s final

Kind of carrying on from Reason 3.. these posh twats that pay a fortune to go and get a numb arse. Saw an article today that tickets are currently trading for up to £15,000 per ticket, up  £3,000 since yesterday afternoon, and the price is predicted to reach £45k on the day.

Are they messing? Who in their right mind would pay £15k- 45k to watch a tennis match. Its on BBC for fuck’s sake.

For that money, I’d expect a court to be built in my back garden, and the ENTIRE tournament to be played there.  I’d expect champagne on tap, caviar butties, and them jam and cream scones and shit.  I’d expect the balls to be made of a unique combination of a fairy’s tears and a unicorn’s pubes. And an oily wank off Cockovich, or whatever he's called, would be included.

But even then, I wouldn’t watch it.  I would be in my living room with the curtains shut.

----

All in all, it is quite simply, a terrible spectator sport.  It really is.

Its just so .. uninvolved. You can’t follow a team, you can’t go at the weekend with your mates or take yer lad..  (Unless you’re called Tarquin or Rupes etc and you lad is a queg)

And there is no drama in a game of tennis. None.  No sending offs .. No fights.. No swearing at the ref...

Worst thing that can happen is a bloke will break a string on his racquet, or accidentally twat the ref with the ball and him fall off that funny perch.  That would actually be a laugh that, I’d watch tennis if the aim of the game was twatting balls at the ref and knocking them their high chair  - I vote Maggie Thatcher as first ref.

Yes you get the odd surprise, like when a shit guy beats a good guy and that..  but that’s about it.  

I’d quite honestly get more enjoyment out of watching Joey Barton sitting on the loo reading a dictionary.

Wimbledon in a nutshell: Its a CuntFest.  And a BoreFest.  And Venus Williams has got a cock.

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AN OPEN LETTER TO KATIE PRICE

Greetings trout-lipped slaggamadaggama,

Which brand of pink velour tracksuit are you lounging around in today? Juicy Couture or Versace And have you got your glittery Uggs on or your diamante Converse?

My reason for writing is of course not to establish what god awful ensemble you are wearing, but to question a few things that have been bugging me.

1) What the utter fuck have you done to your lad’s hair?

Poor lad. Poor poor lad.

As if he’s not got enough on his plate?  He’s Dwight Yorke’s lad for fuck’s sake. That’s punishment alone.  Then he’s got that Peter Andre tool crying about him that he misses him and that ..

And lets face it – not the best looking lad in the world is he? Bless him. He was about 3 stone when he was born or something wasn’t he?  And you go giving him a hair do like that? To help him “blend in” ? To help him “be normal” ?  Has he not been sent home from school?

You’ve basically drawn all over his head with some chalk?  A load of white lines and then a frog.  A fucking frog. What lad wants a frog on his head?  I’d sooner see a Nike tick and an undercut.
And then... you’ve got the cheek to tweet that he “loves it” ???  How on earth can he love that monstrosity .. ???

Is he blind??  Oh...  Soz about that...     Bit sly doing that to a blind lad? Right?  I'd have to go to prison if I'd done that to a blind kid.



2) The things you tell the press

If I did a survey now about whether you are an attention seeking media whore or not, I’d like to think that the results would be unanimous.  You’ve had more desperate reality TV shows than The Osbornes, more publicity stunts than any other ‘celebs’ I can think of, and you rock up at the opening of cereal boxes and that don't you, forever launching a new perfume range / make up / awful book / own range of tampons in 'bucket fanny' size etc..

But girl, why do you have to tell the press this? :

Q: “What’s the rudest thing you’ve ever done in the name of love?”

Katie Price: “I fucked Alex Reid up the arse with a vodka bottle.”

(source: Now! magazine)

REALLY?  You have got three kids. Fuck’s sake. Do you really want your 3 kids knowing that?
Granted they’ll have seen your tits and flange in every lads’ mag going, and they’ll know you’re an absolute dirt valve.  BUT do you really want them knowing that much?

I can’t even express how fucked up I’d be if from a tender age I knew that my Ma goosed my Dad / some bloke up the arse with a bottle of Voddy.

And Alex Reid? Of all the people.. Chimp faced, sawdust brained, ubercunt Alex Reid. Was he dressed as his alleged alter ego Roxanne at the time?

To be fair, I’d sooner see Peter Andre with a bottle up his arse.  Preferably a broken one.
And you know what the aftermath would look like?

YOUR LAD’S FUCKING HEAD WITH THAT JOKE OF A HAIRCUT !



3) Your Range Rover

All the money in the world, and you’re driving round in this eye sore:

I wouldn’t step in that if you paid me.

If it was pissing down, freezing and I had no shoes on and I needed to get somewhere 100 miles away and I had no money – I wouldn’t step in that.   I’d walk.  I’d crawl.   I’d even get dragged by a sledge of Huskies attached to my foreskin, before stepping in that god awful contraption.

And your number plate??  Really?   KP11 HOT?  Fuckkkkking hell.

Here,  I’ll give you a heads up when I see B4D SL4G come up at the next DVLA auction.

...

Right that will do for now, as I can’t even be bothered spending anymore time on you.
But on a genuinely serious note – stop acting a twat, for the sake of your kids, you've earned your money so just settle down and be grateful for what you've got...  They deserve a more normal life – where they will never ever ever ever hear about what depraved sexual acts you perform on your boyfriend(s).. Ever.

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Joe ThunderCat / ThunderCunt Hart

So, the day before England played Italy,  I seen Joe Hart on the telly and I finally realised what he looks like.

It had been bugging me for ages...

There'd be nights where I lay awake, tossing and turning, and tossing... thinking of Joe Hart.

And then it came to me, whilst he did his Pre-Italy interview.

A Thunder Cat.

Joe Hart looks like a Thunder Cat.

For those who missed my tweet and comparison pic at the time, here it is again: 

So this was BEFORE the England v Italy game.. and what does he go and do in that game, during the shoot out?

Pulls weird Thunder Cat faces .. trying to put off / 'scare' the Italians!

Did it work lad? Did it put them off?  Did you win?

Nope.  Nice try lad.

Best  bit was... did it put Pirlo off?

Nope... Pirlo had an absolute worldy of a penalty didn't he.  In all of his 456483 years of being alive, he'd never taken a better penalty.

So what do you end up looking like Joe Lad?

A cunt.

A Thunder Cat, crossed with a cunt.

A Thunder Cunt.

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